I am tired...

I am tired. I am tired of working on our house. I am tired of being stressed all the time about having to get this done and having to get that done. I am tired of not having enough time in the day to do all I need to do. I am tired of having a relationship with my family that consists of "hi honey, how was your day? Oh that's great now lets get this room painted, we have to put this tile here, we have to clean this spot so we can move these things there so we can put this up, go sand this, need to stain that oh did I mention I am out of clean clothes when are you going to do laundry?: And it goes on and on!I am tired. Maybe because I don't have enough time in the day to get everything done and I spend later in the evening trying to get it done when I should be going to bed. I am a creature of habit. and this creature needs sleep!!! 7 hours is ideal! 4-6 hours is kicking my ass! I have felt like poo all week! You would think one would have caught up over the holiday weekend but all we did was work! We did go order our new furniture but aside from that couple hours it was work, work, work!

Among all the time I was working on things this weekend I did a lot of thinking. I do that a lot any more. Thinking about my goals and where I am at in relation to them. Before I start, Yes I feel the scale is important. With that being said. I do want the number to go down but does it matter what that number says if you look good??? Really? If you like how you look and your healthy and happy then what does that number have to do with anything?? So I am changing focus. Yes I will still weigh daily because I am an addict. I have a scale addiction. I am however turning my focus to performing the actions it takes to get the look I am trying to achieve. What does this mean??? Well I have a 5k Saturday morning and I will begin this new routine on Sunday. I have arranged for Grandma time for Trenton a couple times a week so I can get in a short run. By short I mean 2-4 miles and then a strength training routine. I have spent time learning and following some trainers, fitness models and body builders. I have learned from them and put together my own strength routine. Ideally I will follow this routine at least through the summer and see what happens. How will I judge my success?? Through pictures. If the picture is changing then I am changing which means it is working! So we shall see, however; I do have some positive vibes about this!!

I have looked a lot at my food choices for the last couple of years. Binges aside I eat a very low carb diet. These are my trigger foods so I tend to stay away. However; I am a raging, hormonal, unhappy, snappy, crabby bitch! This is like a body builder on steroids attitude. IT MUST GO! This does not mean it is a free for all. I am learning how to introduce healthy carbs again in moderation. I love things like sweet potatoes and squash that are good for you foods and will get my carbs that way and not in white potatoes and pasta. I do have a more detailed plan than this but I am not going to type it all out. If your interested you will ask.

Any way I better get moving. I have a lot of work to accomplish today before I run out of day! Have a magnificent day and remember "You've got this"

Cassie

5 miles to clarity

Wow LONG TIME NO BLOG!!! I have been suppppper swamped at work and have found no time to spit out a blog. It's funny how life happens sometimes but that is where we just have to learn to make the lifestyle we want fit in the life we have. It can be done! There are always things in the way we just have to find a way to work around them.

You have to do it yourself!

 I have started running more again. I forgot how hard running can be. When you become a regular runner and are conditioned you forget how hard it really is and when you add distance it is just another mile. I did not run much all winter and am TRYING to get back into a routine. I have been out for a couple 2-3 milers the last few weeks and then Monday one of my former training clients wanted to get to her furthest run. The longest before was 4.7 and she wanted to make it to 5 miles. Oh I just knew I was going to die but I was up to give it a shot. Already having sore glutes and hamstrings from kickboxing that morning I was in for a beating. My comment to her after we finished was..."I hated you at mile 2 and 3 and 4 and 4.5 and 4.7 but we made it to 5. I will hate you even more in the morning but don't take it personally, the feelings will pass, lol. Thanks for the push." I really was ready to walk at mile 2, but I couldn't quit yet. Mile 3 really struggling but knew my second wind would be coming, keep pushing. Mile 3.2 I get a text that my grandma was admitted to the hospital with chest pain. Heart sunk, I wanted to quit NOW. I needed to find out what was going on!!! Maybe it was selfish of me but what came out of my mouth when it opened was "We have to finish this!" With several pauses to catch a breath in between words I explained to Taycey what I just read on my phone. With tears of fear, tears of courage, tears of confidence, tears of worry, tears of the unknown I finished that 5 miles. It was not easy. It was down right torture. But why do I do this? Yes, it's to lose weight and become a more fit person but what does that do???? What that does is ensure I am here just a little bit longer with my family. It increases the chances that I will not suffer from high blood pressure. It increases the chances that I will not suffer from high cholesterol. It increases the chances I won't have a stroke, I won't have a heart attack, I won't be diabetic, I won't have apnea, I won't lose the feeling in my legs, better yet I won't lose a leg. I am not saying that any of this can not happen anyway but I am going to do my damndest to ensure that I have done everything in my power to not contribute to these things. So that I can spend my life the highest quality and with those that I love and care about for as long as I have.  Yes a person is predisposed to certain things because of genetics, however all those genetics that have been passed down are often the lifestyle that caused them. I refuse to be able to let a Dr tell me that something is wrong with me and it is my fault!



What I looked like when she said 5 miles!!! LMAO!!

Next week I have to weigh in for the diet bet that I joined on line. I honestly have no idea where I am at. The batterey in my scale is on the fritz and it gave me several different readings ranging within 7 pounds. I'll just have to stay off until I get a new battery. I am really focusing on not eating a late supper. That always kills my results. I love when I can go to bed and my stomach is starting to get a little hungry. I get a big drink of water and to bed I go, knowing my body is doing it's thing and I am not inhibiting its process with food.

JUST A YUMMY!!

A look back at blog #1

So I was revisiting some old blogs today and I want to share them with you again. It was a good reminder for me. Well Hello! You must be just as bored as I was when I wrote this blog if you are now reading it,lol. Ok just kidding,but not really because that is how this blog idea was started, I...get...bored. So with a little encouragement I have decided to blog. About what?? Well health,fitness,my weight loss,the dumb cotton wood tree in the back yard that covers my yard in white fuzz every spring,exercise,my family,what EVER it is that I feel I need to talk about on a given day. On a more serious note I am also using this as an accountability tool to finish a journey I started in January of 2009. At that time I was 346 pounnds and very unhealth. I decided I needed to make a change,not like I hadn't ever made this attempt before but for some reason I was actually going somewhere with it this time. With strictly diet,exercise and learning about food and my body I began to lose weight. I was down a total of 140 pounds (206) in October of 2011,I maintained this for some time and then for the 3rd time I quit smoking and gained back 20 pounds. Currently yes I am at 226 with the desire to be at 170 before Christmas. So it is time to finish what I started and help others along the way. Yes sometimes I can be a little blunt,a little offensive,a little too loud and even a little quiet but I will promise you this...I will be honest,I will give 100% and I will do my best to help ANYONE that has the courage to reach out and ask. So wiggle yourself into the sports bra (the tighter it is the tighter it holds them puppies),no I'm not really southeren and I know that was bad grammer but it sounded like the right thing to say,pull up the spandex(again the tighter it is the better job it does at keeping the thighs from clapping and the obscene farting noises that sneak out from your flopping belly,no your not the only one that this happens to and yes I know from experience,if you see me working out it is in my tight pants and I sure as heck don't look like J-lo from the back side...yet;) and lace up those sneakers! Tomorrow is a new day and I have nailed diet and exercise this week,My goal for tomorrow is to maintain that,one day at a time 1500-1700 calories and 60 minutes of sweat!

What if not???

Yesterday was still a down in the dumps kind of day. I did not turn to food to fix it. That in itself is a success! But I did do a lot of evaluation and looking at my patterns, what I do, why I do it, why I keep doing what I am doing kind of things. I had a good texting conversation with someone who has been a support to me since shortly after my journey started. I was first reminded that the scale does not determine everything and to not only look at where I am at but where I have come from and what has been accomplished. I often forget where I've come from, what I've been through and how it's changed and is turning out. This journey is not over. Nor will it ever be. Goals are ever changing and will continue to change. I want to share this video. What really caught my attention was the way his body changed towards the end and the number on the scale that went with the pictures. His body went through tremendous changes and yet only a few pound difference.

http://youtu.be/ZrasQOojFyo  Please go watch this video! The man who never gave up. I don't have will power, I am will power!!

You can not doubt yourself, you must believe. Believe when it is beyond reason to believe!

In my evaluation of myself, amongst all the tears, I realized something. I am not pushing myself like I could be. Yesterday morning I was doing kettle bell swings with a 15 pound kettle bell. 15 POUNDS!!!???? Cassie, WHAT ARE YOU DOING??? WAISTING TIME???? I should be doing these with 40 or even 50 pounds!! Why are you not challenging yourself? Why are you not doing what you are capable of?? The answer I came up with. I don't want people to see me struggle. I don't want people to see me not able to complete something. So I use a lesser weight to be able to make it through the time. What am I afraid of? What would happen if I did use the heavier weight? What would happen if I didn't have the 2 Casey's cookies at night? What would happen if I did get enough veggies daily? What would happen if I continue to challenge myself day in and day out? What would happen if our outings and get togethers didn't revolve around food? What would happen if????

Well what would happen is I would see myself as a success. What's wrong with that? Why would you stop that? Why would you interfere with your own success? Why would you self sabotage? Fear? Well maybe. The fear of being successful...if brings about all these what if's. What if it's not enough? WHat if I look worse than I do now(because I already have skin issues). What if people expect more out of me than I can give? What if I can't maintain it and become another statistic? What if? What if? What if? This is when I was asked, What if not?????


What if not??? What if I continue to spend more time worried about all the what if's that I never even get the chance to see if I had anything to worry about to begin with? Why waste all this time worrying and not just doing? I know that there will be some days easier than others but today and from this day forward I will do my best to continue putting one foot in front of the other. I will challenge myself in my workouts. I will feed my body the food that it needs, not what it wants. I will continue to work towards my goals and when one is met I will set another and then another and yet again another. That is the way this works. No more what if's. From now on, what if not??









As long as your willing to fight the struggle you can have what ever it is you want! This journey is not about food, it's the emotion that causes your behaviors and how you deal with emotion. All this time I thought I had dealt with all the deep down demons inside. Woooohaa was I wrong! There is ever surfacing new emotions. New struggles, new tasks and new stressors. It is all a matter of how you handle them.


This is my notebook of goals for the day. I accomplished them all except the water. Lordy that is a lot of water!! But I was close!!

Weekend travels and feeling of a failure

So I am feeling a little of a failure today. There is so much I could have done in the last month and well, quite frankly I just haven't. I could try to pull out all these excuses but they are just excuses. I could have lost more weight, I could have run more, I could have used a little heavier weight, and I definitely could have eaten much better. I am feeling a little overwhelmed because of all of this. And that is just what I do, I act and then regret it later. So I am not going to fret about the scale for a couple weeks. I am just going to get myself back on track in all aspects. I'll post goals at the end of the blog.

This just made me laugh!!!!

 So this weekend was a good one! I drove out to Michigan to my mom's and it was a much needed visit. However I quickly remembered why I usually drive out at night. My 5 year old did not sleep a wink of the 8 hour drive out or back! He started asking "how many towns left mom?" when we were only on the road for 15 minutes! Thank goodness for the dvd player in the back seat! However because he was watching movies I didn't have a radio!!! That was the longest drive with just Disney in the background and no other adult to visit with!! I think my husband was a little irritated that I kept calling him because he was trying to get work done and I was just bored!!

Here is a picture of Trent on the ice after Grandpa Shawn's hockey game! They one the championship game and Trenton really enjoyed watching!

Me, Trent and my youngest sister Kelsey out to supper Saturday night!

So now that the week is starting over and it is back to the grind. I was up this morning and went to kickboxing, skipping the scale today and will catch up with it next week. What it says doesn't matter, what matters is what I do.  I saw on a page I follow this morning, Monika Mazur-Trainer & Competitor... "You don't need an audience, magical fairy dust, nor support of the entire world. If you truly want to change your life, you'll do it. All alone. When nobody's watching. Remember, champions aren't made on stage."
This is what I needed to hear today. It doesn't matter what is going on in the outside world. I have to do this, only me, no one else. Yes this will be a tough week. My husband is going to be at classes for work so I will have to try to get to the evening Fitboxing class, Trent has t-ball tues/thurs and church on wed. I'll figure it out!

But I have decided there are no scale goals this week. My goals are the basics that make me successful.

1. 160 ounces of water per day and I will be tallying. I don't usually track this but this week I will. That is 10 of my 16 ounce cup that I carry around with me.

2. Fruit with breakfast and a veggie with lunch and supper(My servings of veggies are usually 2-3 servings)

3. No eating after 7:00 at night.

4. Make it to 4 classes and one run this week, ideally 5 classes and 2 runs

5. I WILL NOT FEEL LIKE A FAILURE ON MONDAY!

Discipline, not desire, determines your destiny

It has been a really busy week with classes for work, catching up with my work since I was in class, Trent started t ball and I am preparing to go visit my mom in Michigan tomorrow. I missed class on Tuesday. I had not gotten to bed until 12:30 and when I woke up at 4:30 I put on my pants and hoodie and climbed right back into bed. I was so tired but still felt guilty all day for not going! Yesterday I almost didn't go, I was actually texting the girl I ride with to go without me when I put my phone in my pocket and told myself I was going. I ended up working out twice yesterday. I am still struggling with night time binges and after not going to class on Tuesday I just thought I should go. After those two workouts yesterday and my workout this morning my shoulders and lower back are on fire! They have definitely been pushed!

So tonight I have this GYNORMOUS list of things to get done before I can leave for Mom's. I am hoping to go to kickboxing in the morning, come home and shower and take off by 7-7:30 in the morning. I hate to waste the entire day on the road and would like to get there at a decent time. So I must get all the laundry done, bags packed, my staple foods packed, snack's for Trent, movies for the ride, charge the tablet, clean out the car and then load it up!

So as I said earlier, I am still struggling with night time binging. I have to get ahold of this. I am back pedaling again. It's what I always do when I get to this point! It makes me so freaking mad at myself!! I have lost some of the control I used to have and the idea of junk food used to turn my stomach just thinking about it and now it is like I am getting that temporary rush of feel good from this crappy foods! I almost have to detox myself completely to regain control. So that is what I plan to do while I am gone this weekend. What a horrible time to decide to be strict but I must. I will eat breakfast before I leave in the morning, I will pack apples and bananas for snacks on the drive. I plan to find a subway or something of the like along the way for lunch. By that time I should be just outside of Iowa into Illinois. I will Google it today to find a place. I am taking my yogurt, bread, almond milk and protein shakes with me to mom's. I can't expect her to buy all new food because I will be there for 2 days, I'll pack my own:) I do plan on packing some workout clothes but I don't count on getting in any workout other than a little sightseeing. I can not wait to go to Lake Michigan!!! I love watching the waves, it's so relaxing and serene!! NO TREATS this weekend. That means no sugary starchy foods. Easier said than done, yes. Can it be done, Yes!

 

I will choose my waves and I will not let this little thing defeat me!!

Beer & Vodka=poor results and great times

Busy weekend but I had a blast!! Probably too much fun! Friday night I managed to talk my hubby into letting me go to the fights! He couldn't go because he wasn't home from work in time and needed to work on the house. I LOVE FIGHT NIGHT!!! I was getting ready to go when my almost 6 year old says "Mommy where are you going?" I told him I was going to the fights. Trent has been with me to kickboxing several times and this is his idea of the fights, lol. He says so innocently in his little voice "Well mom you better win!" I about died! "No buddy mommy is just going to watch!" As I said I love fight night and I do feel a sense of empowerment as I am beating the shit out of a bag, however if that bag swung back, I'd probably cry!!!! I picked up my sister-in-law and off we went! Because a couple locals were fighting, nearly half the room was filled with spectators from our community. We got a beer and met up with some others. Typically I don't like beer however it tasted way too good. On the calorie side it was good that I had not eaten supper, probably not so good that I was drinking beer on an empty stomach and they were tall boys to boot! We had a great time at the fights and one of our boys won! I made it home around 12:30 and to bed we went! I had been up since 4:15 that morning!

Saturday we started moving stuff out of our basement upstairs so the guys could work on putting in the furnace. A friend and her boys came over and we washed and put away the kitchen stuff. The boys played hard all day. Very atypical for me but we went to the store and got frozen pizzas for the boys and vodka and orange juice for me! It was a long night! But we had a blast!!!!

Sunday was a slow day. I did a little more moving of stuff from the basement to the upstairs to keep it from getting all dirty. They guys worked on prepping the basement and tearing off the old paneling down there and ripped out the carpet. We may have found the source of all Trent's sickness. Yes he has a cold about once a month. The basement wall has been seeping water and the insulation was wet. I'll be getting out the bleach and spraying down the walls tonight to get rid of some of the mold that has grown.

Today was weigh in day. 205.2, In a way I expected this. It is still a 0.6 pound loss but I hadn't done very well with food control early in the week last week and alcohol, me and the scale don't make a very good threesome. It always backfires. I figure in the next couple of days it will move a couple of pounds just from retention. My goal this week is control in the kitchen. A person can exercise all day long and if you don't eat right nothing will happen.

 So this is the goal for the week! Control the kitchen!! I am anxious to get off these next 5 pounds! I am so close to 199!!!! I may have to sneak in an extra class throughout the week just to get a little extra burn!! And definatley need to run! I am having a hard time getting myself motivated to do this!! I don't know if signing up for Dam to Dam was the right thing to do?? I am content running 3-4 miles and being done. Well see what comes of it!

I am anxiously waiting for the 1st as well because that will be the day to take more pictures and to re check my body fat %!!!!