What if not???

Yesterday was still a down in the dumps kind of day. I did not turn to food to fix it. That in itself is a success! But I did do a lot of evaluation and looking at my patterns, what I do, why I do it, why I keep doing what I am doing kind of things. I had a good texting conversation with someone who has been a support to me since shortly after my journey started. I was first reminded that the scale does not determine everything and to not only look at where I am at but where I have come from and what has been accomplished. I often forget where I've come from, what I've been through and how it's changed and is turning out. This journey is not over. Nor will it ever be. Goals are ever changing and will continue to change. I want to share this video. What really caught my attention was the way his body changed towards the end and the number on the scale that went with the pictures. His body went through tremendous changes and yet only a few pound difference.

http://youtu.be/ZrasQOojFyo  Please go watch this video! The man who never gave up. I don't have will power, I am will power!!

You can not doubt yourself, you must believe. Believe when it is beyond reason to believe!

In my evaluation of myself, amongst all the tears, I realized something. I am not pushing myself like I could be. Yesterday morning I was doing kettle bell swings with a 15 pound kettle bell. 15 POUNDS!!!???? Cassie, WHAT ARE YOU DOING??? WAISTING TIME???? I should be doing these with 40 or even 50 pounds!! Why are you not challenging yourself? Why are you not doing what you are capable of?? The answer I came up with. I don't want people to see me struggle. I don't want people to see me not able to complete something. So I use a lesser weight to be able to make it through the time. What am I afraid of? What would happen if I did use the heavier weight? What would happen if I didn't have the 2 Casey's cookies at night? What would happen if I did get enough veggies daily? What would happen if I continue to challenge myself day in and day out? What would happen if our outings and get togethers didn't revolve around food? What would happen if????

Well what would happen is I would see myself as a success. What's wrong with that? Why would you stop that? Why would you interfere with your own success? Why would you self sabotage? Fear? Well maybe. The fear of being successful...if brings about all these what if's. What if it's not enough? WHat if I look worse than I do now(because I already have skin issues). What if people expect more out of me than I can give? What if I can't maintain it and become another statistic? What if? What if? What if? This is when I was asked, What if not?????


What if not??? What if I continue to spend more time worried about all the what if's that I never even get the chance to see if I had anything to worry about to begin with? Why waste all this time worrying and not just doing? I know that there will be some days easier than others but today and from this day forward I will do my best to continue putting one foot in front of the other. I will challenge myself in my workouts. I will feed my body the food that it needs, not what it wants. I will continue to work towards my goals and when one is met I will set another and then another and yet again another. That is the way this works. No more what if's. From now on, what if not??









As long as your willing to fight the struggle you can have what ever it is you want! This journey is not about food, it's the emotion that causes your behaviors and how you deal with emotion. All this time I thought I had dealt with all the deep down demons inside. Woooohaa was I wrong! There is ever surfacing new emotions. New struggles, new tasks and new stressors. It is all a matter of how you handle them.


This is my notebook of goals for the day. I accomplished them all except the water. Lordy that is a lot of water!! But I was close!!

Weekend travels and feeling of a failure

So I am feeling a little of a failure today. There is so much I could have done in the last month and well, quite frankly I just haven't. I could try to pull out all these excuses but they are just excuses. I could have lost more weight, I could have run more, I could have used a little heavier weight, and I definitely could have eaten much better. I am feeling a little overwhelmed because of all of this. And that is just what I do, I act and then regret it later. So I am not going to fret about the scale for a couple weeks. I am just going to get myself back on track in all aspects. I'll post goals at the end of the blog.

This just made me laugh!!!!

 So this weekend was a good one! I drove out to Michigan to my mom's and it was a much needed visit. However I quickly remembered why I usually drive out at night. My 5 year old did not sleep a wink of the 8 hour drive out or back! He started asking "how many towns left mom?" when we were only on the road for 15 minutes! Thank goodness for the dvd player in the back seat! However because he was watching movies I didn't have a radio!!! That was the longest drive with just Disney in the background and no other adult to visit with!! I think my husband was a little irritated that I kept calling him because he was trying to get work done and I was just bored!!

Here is a picture of Trent on the ice after Grandpa Shawn's hockey game! They one the championship game and Trenton really enjoyed watching!

Me, Trent and my youngest sister Kelsey out to supper Saturday night!

So now that the week is starting over and it is back to the grind. I was up this morning and went to kickboxing, skipping the scale today and will catch up with it next week. What it says doesn't matter, what matters is what I do.  I saw on a page I follow this morning, Monika Mazur-Trainer & Competitor... "You don't need an audience, magical fairy dust, nor support of the entire world. If you truly want to change your life, you'll do it. All alone. When nobody's watching. Remember, champions aren't made on stage."
This is what I needed to hear today. It doesn't matter what is going on in the outside world. I have to do this, only me, no one else. Yes this will be a tough week. My husband is going to be at classes for work so I will have to try to get to the evening Fitboxing class, Trent has t-ball tues/thurs and church on wed. I'll figure it out!

But I have decided there are no scale goals this week. My goals are the basics that make me successful.

1. 160 ounces of water per day and I will be tallying. I don't usually track this but this week I will. That is 10 of my 16 ounce cup that I carry around with me.

2. Fruit with breakfast and a veggie with lunch and supper(My servings of veggies are usually 2-3 servings)

3. No eating after 7:00 at night.

4. Make it to 4 classes and one run this week, ideally 5 classes and 2 runs

5. I WILL NOT FEEL LIKE A FAILURE ON MONDAY!

Discipline, not desire, determines your destiny

It has been a really busy week with classes for work, catching up with my work since I was in class, Trent started t ball and I am preparing to go visit my mom in Michigan tomorrow. I missed class on Tuesday. I had not gotten to bed until 12:30 and when I woke up at 4:30 I put on my pants and hoodie and climbed right back into bed. I was so tired but still felt guilty all day for not going! Yesterday I almost didn't go, I was actually texting the girl I ride with to go without me when I put my phone in my pocket and told myself I was going. I ended up working out twice yesterday. I am still struggling with night time binges and after not going to class on Tuesday I just thought I should go. After those two workouts yesterday and my workout this morning my shoulders and lower back are on fire! They have definitely been pushed!

So tonight I have this GYNORMOUS list of things to get done before I can leave for Mom's. I am hoping to go to kickboxing in the morning, come home and shower and take off by 7-7:30 in the morning. I hate to waste the entire day on the road and would like to get there at a decent time. So I must get all the laundry done, bags packed, my staple foods packed, snack's for Trent, movies for the ride, charge the tablet, clean out the car and then load it up!

So as I said earlier, I am still struggling with night time binging. I have to get ahold of this. I am back pedaling again. It's what I always do when I get to this point! It makes me so freaking mad at myself!! I have lost some of the control I used to have and the idea of junk food used to turn my stomach just thinking about it and now it is like I am getting that temporary rush of feel good from this crappy foods! I almost have to detox myself completely to regain control. So that is what I plan to do while I am gone this weekend. What a horrible time to decide to be strict but I must. I will eat breakfast before I leave in the morning, I will pack apples and bananas for snacks on the drive. I plan to find a subway or something of the like along the way for lunch. By that time I should be just outside of Iowa into Illinois. I will Google it today to find a place. I am taking my yogurt, bread, almond milk and protein shakes with me to mom's. I can't expect her to buy all new food because I will be there for 2 days, I'll pack my own:) I do plan on packing some workout clothes but I don't count on getting in any workout other than a little sightseeing. I can not wait to go to Lake Michigan!!! I love watching the waves, it's so relaxing and serene!! NO TREATS this weekend. That means no sugary starchy foods. Easier said than done, yes. Can it be done, Yes!

 

I will choose my waves and I will not let this little thing defeat me!!

Beer & Vodka=poor results and great times

Busy weekend but I had a blast!! Probably too much fun! Friday night I managed to talk my hubby into letting me go to the fights! He couldn't go because he wasn't home from work in time and needed to work on the house. I LOVE FIGHT NIGHT!!! I was getting ready to go when my almost 6 year old says "Mommy where are you going?" I told him I was going to the fights. Trent has been with me to kickboxing several times and this is his idea of the fights, lol. He says so innocently in his little voice "Well mom you better win!" I about died! "No buddy mommy is just going to watch!" As I said I love fight night and I do feel a sense of empowerment as I am beating the shit out of a bag, however if that bag swung back, I'd probably cry!!!! I picked up my sister-in-law and off we went! Because a couple locals were fighting, nearly half the room was filled with spectators from our community. We got a beer and met up with some others. Typically I don't like beer however it tasted way too good. On the calorie side it was good that I had not eaten supper, probably not so good that I was drinking beer on an empty stomach and they were tall boys to boot! We had a great time at the fights and one of our boys won! I made it home around 12:30 and to bed we went! I had been up since 4:15 that morning!

Saturday we started moving stuff out of our basement upstairs so the guys could work on putting in the furnace. A friend and her boys came over and we washed and put away the kitchen stuff. The boys played hard all day. Very atypical for me but we went to the store and got frozen pizzas for the boys and vodka and orange juice for me! It was a long night! But we had a blast!!!!

Sunday was a slow day. I did a little more moving of stuff from the basement to the upstairs to keep it from getting all dirty. They guys worked on prepping the basement and tearing off the old paneling down there and ripped out the carpet. We may have found the source of all Trent's sickness. Yes he has a cold about once a month. The basement wall has been seeping water and the insulation was wet. I'll be getting out the bleach and spraying down the walls tonight to get rid of some of the mold that has grown.

Today was weigh in day. 205.2, In a way I expected this. It is still a 0.6 pound loss but I hadn't done very well with food control early in the week last week and alcohol, me and the scale don't make a very good threesome. It always backfires. I figure in the next couple of days it will move a couple of pounds just from retention. My goal this week is control in the kitchen. A person can exercise all day long and if you don't eat right nothing will happen.

 So this is the goal for the week! Control the kitchen!! I am anxious to get off these next 5 pounds! I am so close to 199!!!! I may have to sneak in an extra class throughout the week just to get a little extra burn!! And definatley need to run! I am having a hard time getting myself motivated to do this!! I don't know if signing up for Dam to Dam was the right thing to do?? I am content running 3-4 miles and being done. Well see what comes of it!

I am anxiously waiting for the 1st as well because that will be the day to take more pictures and to re check my body fat %!!!!

Queen of Sabotage!

I have to admit I am the Queen of Self Sabotage! I have done this every time I get close to 199. I make sure it doesn't happen! Why???? What the hell is it about that number that makes me back step? The last two nights I have eaten total crap, late at night when I am not even hungry to begin with!!

 

Why do I keep making sure this doesn't happen??? I can honestly say this is one behavior I have that I have not figured out the source of! I have learned a lot about myself and have figured out why I do a lot of the things I do. But this one I just don't understand!

If I had not done this to myself SOOOOOOO many times now I would be at my goal. I always get close to a goal and then back step and throw myself off the tracks!

 So I am making a promise to myself to make today the best that it can be. Clean eating, lots of water and I have a list of things to do once I get home tonight to keep myself busy and stay out of the chips!!! I may have already gotten to far off track to reach the goal I had set for Monday but I will try my best. I am letting go of the guilt and moving forward from right now.

So today is short and sweet but it is what it is and I have to be accountable. I may try to run tonight if it is not raining, but I think it is supposed to. Just know if you sabotage yourself you are not alone, but only you can stop the cycle. It's time to stop it!

The truth will set you free but first it will piss you off!

I felt really guilty for skipping kickboxing yesterday morning. I have had 4-5 hours of sleep the last couple of nights and this girl does not function well on the kind of sleep. I make stupid impulse choices. So I did not get up at 4:15. Well I did but only to reset the alarm. So I hurried home last night after work, put another coat of paint on my bedroom walls and then off I went to evening kickboxing. I deserved it. I am so close to seeing "onederland" that I owed it to myself to go. Trent went along and occasionally he will kick the bags a little but then go play, I was tickled to see him doing plank jabs with us! My 5 year old doing plank jabs!!!

I have been having a salt issue the last few days! I want anything salty! Chips, pickles, olives, cheese puffs AHHHH!! What is it about the salt?? I don't know really but maybe I need to drink more water? Hey it is worth a shot. I may spend more time peeing then at my desk but oh well!

Back up this morning for a 5am workout. After going for a week and a half to morning class and then doing it in the evening last night I realized my intensity is so much higher in the evening. I have to figure out a way to get the intensity in the morning. Morning workouts is what I have to do right now to make it fit in my schedule. Which brings me to what I want to mention today. You can't get what you never had if you keep doing what you've always done.

 

If you expect to see weight loss. If you expect to see toning. If you expect to see muscle building. If you expect to see a drop in body fat percentage...you can not expect these to change if you keep working out and eating as you have always done. You HAVE TO change something! Maybe it's the type of workout your doing. Maybe it's the food you are choosing to eat. Maybe its the frequency or intensity of a workout. You can NOT workout once or twice a week and expect to see a change. You can not eat at McDonald's three times a week and expect to see a change. You can not eat chips and pizza every night and expect to see a change. I can not tell you in general what you need to change because each person is different. What is it you need to change?

 

A workout is not convienent for anyone. There aren't always enough hours in the day. The kids have ball games, church activities, birthday parties, boy/gril scouts, the spouse has long hours, I have to work late, I have to work early, I have to clean the house, laundry is piled up, the windows have hand prints all over them, the cat puked on the floor, the dog ran off, one of our fish died, I have this, I have that. THERE IS ALWAYS SOMETHING!!! This will NEVER change as long as your on this earth! There will always be something! How bad do you want it?

This may piss you off just by me saying this but you have to face the truth. The only thing getting in your way is you! How important are you to yourself? Are you going to sit back and do nothing? Are you going to put yourself on the back burner and let excuses take over? Face the truth. It is only you coming up with excuses. Face them, get over them and move forward!!

 Somebody else is doing what your doing and more. Time goes by weather you use it or not. What are you going to do? It's your choice. Mine will not be wasted!

 

Busy week, sometimes I feel like giving up

Wow has our house come a long way in the last week!! Drywall was finished, ceilings painted, lights hung, walls are all painted except the bathroom(I haven't decided what to do yet in there) windows are in and the kitchen cabinets are in the process of being put in! I can honestly say it looks amazing! I can't believe it is my house!!!! Here's a sneak peak!

All last week I stuck to working out every morning Monday-Friday! I ran on Tuesday afternoon, 4.7 miles, wow it was a killer and ran a 5k on Saturday morning. Sleep is something that has eluded me this last week. Cassie doesn't make smart decisions when she is lacking sleep. I have eaten a lot of things I shouldn't have, usually late in the evening when my body starts craving sugar to keep myself awake. I should just go to bed but I feel like I should keep helping on the house. Yesterday was Monday weigh in day. 205.8. That is down 2 pounds this last week. Not great but it is a loss. Now if I get the food issues under control this week I just may see 199 but I am shooting for 202. At 205.8 this is the lowest weight I have ever been. I maintained 206 for a long time but never under!! I have been able to say I lost 140 pounds for a long time but now I can say 141! I am excited to make it 150!

I have some touch up painting to do and roll my bedroom one more time. I am going to try and start that tonight just to get it done. If it isn't raining after work I am going to go for a run. I'd like to get in 3-4 miles a couple times this week and then 5 this weekend. I have to start advancing my mileage if I am going to make it through Dam to Dam in June!!!

I have thought to myself a lot lately. Constantly evaluating every move I make. I am reminding myself a lot of the fact that I can have a treat every now and then. I can skip a workout every now and then. But you are what you do most of the time! I can not skip workouts more frequently then I do them. I can not have treats more often than veggies. You must live as if you are already at goal and live how the person you want to be would live. No matter how far I go, no matter how much that is accomplished there is ALWAYS room for improvement. In any aspect of life. As long as you keep learning you will keep improving. Sometimes I feel like giving up. Like it would just be easier to eat whatever I want, it would be easier to skip the workout time and sleep or shop or play, sometimes this journey is nothing but disappointment and frustration. Then I remember what it was like to try and change my baby's diaper at 346 pounds, I couldn't hardly get on or off the floor, to walk up a flight of stairs...I couldn't breathe at the top, to sit just sit in the heat was miserable, buying clothes was embarrassing, I was always hurting, inside and out. I was reminded last night that this girl has a whole lot of rough life behind her, I've been through it all, I have seen it all first hand, life has been a bitch many times, but the one thing I have learned is you have to work for what you want and under no circumstances do you ever even consider giving in.  DON"T GIVE UP!!!

And some days this is all I have to keep me going! But it is a must to keep going because they will NOT be right!

 

ONEDERLAND HERE I COME...199 WILL SOON BE THERE!!!!!!!!

 

A reminder of where I have come from...

2003ish

                                                                           2008-09ish

                                                              Halloween 2009

 

Not so April fools & successful run

I was so excited on Monday for the drywall finishers to show up! I text my husband around 10 in the morning to see if they came and he told me no. The more I thought about it throughout the day I was really convinced it was a horrible April fools joke. When I got off work I even stopped at home before picking up Trenton from day care just to see. No they had not come!!! Due to the language barrier with the contractor there was a misunderstanding. I was SSSSOOOO disappointed. They did however come yesterday and the first coat of tape and mud is up! We had fans on it all afternoon and night and this morning it was dry! So they will be back today! I am so excited to paint! I can't wait to see the colors on the walls!

The Easter candy has gotten the best of me the last two nights! Would I be a horrible mom if I made Trent pick out some that he will eat and throw the rest away? Because I think I may do that! I am still adjusting to preparing meals without a stove or kitchen for that matter. I had to laugh last night as I was cooking and looking around the garage. The refrigerator sits next to my husband's tool boxes, the microwave on the work bench underneath all the sand paper and racing pictures and my counter is a scrap piece of plywood sitting on top of a cabinet. Quite the kitchen, LOL! Thank God for frozen veggies and rotisserie chicken!

Yesterday I met up with an old training client. I haven't worked with her since last October when I took my new position. She has continued to work on her own and since I don't have a house to workout in we went for a run! She had not ever made it past 4.5 miles. I got it in my crazy head that we were going to break that barrier! Mind you I can count on one hand the number of times I have run this winter! We ran 4.7 miles and it was horrific! After doing kickboxing in the morning and then running a distance I probably was not ready for I could have croaked!. But WE DID IT! We finished what we had set out to do. Although I didn't tell her when we started how far we were going and I told her there was only one big hill, not emphasizing that we had to go back up it on the way back into town in the end! I was sitting there talking to my husband in the garage last night, sideways in the rocking chair with my knees pulled up and started to cramp in the back of my thighs. I would stretch my leg and it would go away. Then all the sudden it grabbed in my right leg from the back of my knee clear up to my goin! I stood up to walk it off and the other leg cramped!! I was biting my lip trying not to pee my pants! OMG it hurt!! It took a good 5 minutes of turtle slow walking to get it worked out!

On another note I have often had people ask me why I exercise. You can lose weight without exercise. They are right, you can lose weight without exercise. But here is the difference. Exercise will determine how you look! Skinny or fit? You pick!

Many are mediocre, few are great

This weekend was a busy one! Still trucking away on the house. Tore out the basement ceiling Saturday morning and tied up lose ends on Sunday. The drywall finishers were to be there at 8:30 this morning and I haven't talked to my husband to see if they got started as planned. We finally picked out paint colors last night. I think something as simple as paint has been the toughest decision so far and we were really beginning to dislike each other! But I ended up getting the red wall and more than I had originally planned on! I can not wait to start painting later this week!

 

Friday morning I had planned on running at 5:45 with a friend and I ended up backing out. I was tired and I was sore from kickboxing on Thursday night.  I got up and got ready. Trent and I went to the science center to see the Sue the T Rex exhibit.

 

Trenton in front of Sue the T-Rex

 

 We spent about 4 hours there and that was enough for me. Had lunch at Perkins. What to order???? I ended up with lemon pepper salmon. I have never had salmon before and it was magnificent! He had an ENT appointment and then we met up with Tyler and bought some more supplies for the house and all the primer. Trent and Tyler wanted to eat at Red Lobster. AHHHH 2 meals out in one day. I felt like I was asking for trouble!! I stuck with baked tilapia and veggies but did have 2 of the cheddar bay biscuits, MAGNIFICENT, I could have eaten only biscuits for supper! Threw in 3 stuffed mushrooms and a bloody mary that was not very good. We didn't get home until 11:30. It was a super long day. I definitely had to get in a work out on Saturday after those 2 meals out. When it comes to fitness and exercise if you give me a challenge I will prevail and most likely surpass, however, I have to admit I have been scared. She who has completed three half marathons was scared to run! I have been scared that I couldn't do it. I have been scared that I would fail, that it would be hard and most of all that I would be disappointed in myself. I got up Saturday morning. Did a little around the house and programmed the coffee pot to be done brewing when I got home. Dug out the ipod, laced up the tennis and out the door I went. I intended on 2 miles, just to get out there and get going again. I think I have only run a handful of times all winter. I started off a little slower than usual, I wanted to save myself and not kill myself. I managed my 2 mile lap around town and was feeling pretty good. I decided to go ahead and start a different loop. At this point my POS phone died and so I am not exactly sure what my time was but I did manage to complete 3 miles in around 34-35 minutes. It started raining otherwise I think I would have kept going. IT FELT GREAT!! 

Easter was tough. I managed to stay away from the casseroles at dinner and did pretty well until I had some of my sisters sour cream dill dip and bagels. I think I may have eaten half the bowl! A few peanut butter cups and 2 helpings of apple snickers salad and I was stuffed. When we came home it was time to help finish up what my hubby had been working on all day!.

So what was the verdict this morning? After a couple meals out, a big Easter dinner and T.O.M coming around, I weighed in this morning at 207.6. I know this is up a couple from yesterday but I am happy with it anyway. That number is still down 4 from last week. So I am looking for big numbers this week. My goal is 5-6 pounds! Kickboxing started today 5 days a week. I have evenings free (other than my house) so I'll get in a few runs. After today the weather looks pretty good. I know good things will be happening for me this week!