Stress

I usually post when everything is all rainbows and butterflies, well this week that has not been the case. Hence my blog hiatus recently. I am not a person that stresses about much. It takes a LOT to get me stirred up. A LOT! This hasn't always been me. I used to stress over everything and it ate me alive!! This week it seems as though nothing is going the way it should be! Everything is making me cry and TOM is not even near so it's not hormonal. Just plain old stress of life.

My car has been making a funny noise so we took it to the dealership on Tuesday and I should have it back today, along with a nearly $2000 bill!!!! AAAAAHHHHH SHIT!  $2000 freaking dollars! I lost it, a few times over this!!

Evedn through this I managed to maintain good eating habits on Tuesday. Wednesday I did good all day! Wednesday weigh in showed 205.4, so that was a 1.6 pound loss from last week. Except after I weighed last week I thought I would give myself a treat and it turned into a 2 day binge! I was up nearly 5 pounds. I managed to lose that along with the additional 1.6, so I was happy with that. This Wednesday was not as bad with the eating but I did do it again. I let the stress of the car win! It was stupid! And a true binge, I sat in the dark and cried over what I had done with overwhelming guilt after I regained control. So now I am again playing catch up to work off the damage the binge did. Again yesterday I was pretty stressed. When I am stressed, if I don't eat it away I am very quiet. So last night was a good night for quietness. After supper we sat down and watched Pitch Perfect. It was a great movie. I laughed and laughed!! Even Tyler liked it! I was up until almost midnight, so I did not hear my alarm at all at 4:15 this morning, I missed kick boxing. With a big goal of seeing 199.9 by Wednesday it was a bad week to miss class so I MUST make myself run this afternoon and Saturday and Sunday. My struggle this weekend will be to stay away from the beer!! All I want is a campfire and a case of miller light!! This will not help me get to my goals!

I have also found myself missing the past this weekend. I don't know what has happened to some people and then I wonder where the heck my friends are? I have decided that girls and I don't mesh well. That's ok. I will not let others bring me down. I am just me and if you don't like it that is your choice and that is ok. There are others that will.

So in the short this will need to be a focused weekend. I will need to keep myself busy and stay away from the fridge! I want this goal before the 4th of July, it is something I have never seen before in my journey! I probably haven't been under 200 since jr high!!!

So to you and I have a great weekend!

Before and after

NO MATTER WHERE YOUR AT...

NO MATTER WHERE YOUR GOING...

I JUST WANT TO TELL YOU...

YOU'VE GOT THIS!!!!!!!!

 

Wednesday weigh in

It's weigh in Wednesday for me. I just started this last week again and my goal was to lose 4 pounds.

Kickboxing has been brutal the last few days. I AM SORE!! To top it off I can not get my husband to shut down at night and we work on this and work on that, sit out side to talk and someone stops by, or he just keeps talking!!! It has been after 11 when I have gotten to bed all week!! Yesterday I woke up with a sore throat so I decided to go back to bed and went to kickboxing last night and this morning I woke up just plain ass tired. I went back to bed and then over slept for work!!! Tonight I am going to make it a point to get to bed at a decent time!!!!

So I don't have a lot to say today. I have been in meetings and now am going back to work and have to get caught up for the time I have been gone

Here are the results.

 

It's dark and upside down but I can't figure out how to turn it around!!

 

 

Last week 210

This week 207

Weight Change -3

 

 

I did fairly well most of the week but I know I could have done with out the zebra cakes and nutty bars. Honestly, they don't taste as good as they used too. And TMI alert....Lovely T.O.M. showed up so I am pleased with the 3 pound loss.

 

Next week I am aiming for 4 pounds and 4 kickboxing classes

 

g classes.

I will fight for it...wrong side of weight loss

I have been talking and watching a couple people, myself included, really struggling the last few months. Myself, the last 2 years. I remembered this blog I read a while back and wanted to share it. It helped me and I hope that it is going to help you to if or when your struggling. Everyone always says weight loss is something that doesn't happen over night. We ALL know that, however we still expect to see big numbers fall off the scale every week. We know the work we put in and expect to see that in a number. It is so much more than a number. It is a science that when we think we have just figured it out then it doesn't make sense again. The only thing there is to do is keep going. Keep plugging along. Keep eating right and exercising. Most importantly keep reminding yourself why you are doing this and why you don't want to stop.

I wish I could edit this but I'm not good with photos. This is why I won't stop! That girl on the left....I don't know her anymore and I don't want to know her ever again!

Being on the wrong side of weight loss... this link will take you to her blog as well.

Being on the wrong side of weight loss

There’s a problem when your goal is to lose weight, but instead you keep packing on the weight. So how does this happen? It happens the same way that everything else falls apart—you get careless.
At first it’s subtle. A pound or two. And that’s easy to lose. The problem is, with each pound or two you gain you think, it’s just a pound or two, I can get that off in no time. I’ll just run a little harder. I’ll watch my calories a little stricter. I’ll drink more water. No worries.
And pretty soon, you’ve gained 10 lbs., 20 lbs., 30 lbs., or maybe you’ve gained all of your weight back. You know what’s happening all along yet too many lbs. down the road you wake up one day and think, where did all of this weight come from? How did this happen? How could I LET this happen?
But yet you still just see a pound or two creep up on the scale. The number gets closer and closer to your pre-weight loss weight. Somehow you keep thinking that you’re not going to be able to stop until you get to that weight again, maybe more. It’s horrifying, but you know it’s possible. It’s almost like subconsciously you want to be fat even though you hate everything about being fat.
You hate the way that you feel like a monster when you walk. Like your legs are tree trunks and your feet are cement bricks that shake the floor with each breathless step. You try to cover your rolls of flesh with dark colors and excess fabric. But it doesn’t make it go away. It’s still there, haunting you, yet tempting you to keep doing this to yourself.
Is it some kind of punishment that your subconscious is inflicting upon your poor excuse for a body? The little voice in your head telling you that you don’t deserve to be happy. That where you belong is in a corner with your head down in shame. It points an ugly crooked finger at you and tells you you’re not good enough. And you crumple to the ground in defeat and helplessness. And the voice cackles an evil laugh at your tears of misery.
And so, like death, the fat slowly takes over your body. It attaches itself to the clavicles you so happily discovered on the other side of weight gain. It smothers the shape that had started to show in your arms. It rounds your  face and drowns your cheekbones. Your eyes begin to sink along with your smile.
But there’s a flicker of life somewhere in your eyes. You don’t see it when you look in the mirror anymore, but once in a while you can feel the warmth of the flame that used to fuel your strength. Sometimes you think it’s gone when the ugly  face of obesity shadows over you. But in those moments when you stand up tall and proud and scream into its shameful face that you won’t back down, you start to see a little flicker of a flame.
And so you kick and you scream. You stand up and shove it to the ground. It raises its ugly finger at you again and you begin to doubt yourself. Am I destined to be fat? Will I ever be good enough? Is it possible for me to prove to myself, if not only TO myself, but FOR myself?
A part of you wants to hope that it’s possible to come out of this battle alive. But a part of you just wants to lay down and die, succumbing yourself to its terribleness because you don’t know any other way and you’re not sure you’d know how to live any other way.
It’s really up to you choose. You’ve found yourself on the wrong side of weight loss, and you have a choice. You can choose life, or you can choose to let obesity control and destroy every single moment of your life—until eventually it takes it from you.

So I ask you...have you found yourself saying it is just a pound or two, an then the next week its just one pound, ect? I admit it. I did. I did for a long time. Two years to be exact. I gained back 20 pounds and now have nearly lost all of that again. When I weigh in tomorrow I hope to be back at the lowest weight I have yet to achieve. But if I am not there, it is only my fault, no one else's. I make the choices to exercise or not, I make the choices on what to put in my mouth or not. I, I, I, ME, ME, ME. Its all me, just as it is all  you. A couple months ago I even found myself back in the same mental state that I was in the very beginning. Looking for  an easy way out. A pill, a shake, a supplement, meal replacements, a trainer to tell me what to do. WHY??? I know what to do. I am 136 pounds lighter than I used to be and it wasn't just luck that got me there, it wasn't just water weight, I ws doing something right. And all along when I was thinking I just can't do it, it just isn't working any more, the meal plans I have made and the food I chose just aren't cutting it any more...they were just excuses. Excuses to try and make myself feel better about not giving it 100%, honestly probably not even 50%.

So I challenge you to do the same thing I am doing. Set small goals and tell someone about them. This holds you accountable. And don't just tell anyone, tell someone you are afraid to let down. Way back in the very beginning of this journey I told my mother in law my goals. I would have been embarrassed to not follow through, so whenever I thought about not doing what I was supposed to I thought "What am I going to tell Chris when she asks how my work out was or how my weigh in went??" This usually made me do what I wasn't wanting to do.


My goals 4 pound weight loss tomorrow(206 pounds)
                 3 pound weight loss next Wednesday June 26
                 under 200 by July 3
                 Kick boxing 4 days per week
                 one run on the weekend
                 Clean food choices

YAY MUSCLE!

Boy have I been all over the place in the last week since I last posted. Not physically just mentally. When I am down, I am down and when I am up I am up! Last week was pretty rough for me. Lots of junk food. Lots of late night eating. Even a few drinks, which is not typical for me. I am usually just a social drinker and I do believe there was one night I had 7up and grape pucker for supper!!!! Opps :)

Two weeks ago on my Facebook page I started a weekly challenge. Week one was to drink water. Not pop, soda, crystal light or mio, just plain old water. This really worked for me! I have not had crystal light since Sunday June 2! This is magnificent since I usually drink anywhere from 5-15 packets per day! I always thought I was better off to have the low calorie drink and deal with the consequences of the artificial sweeteners. Deep down, not sure if I believed all the hype about artificial sweeteners. However; I do what to share this. It is said that artificial sweeteners increase cravings and still cause an insulin spike even though they are no/low calorie and not real sugar. What can I tell you has happened the last 10 days? I have not had severely intense cravings like I normally do. I actually feel like I am in control of my food! Wow is it really that easy? No it is not easy. This journey is never easy but some days are better than others and eliminating the drink mixes has helped make it less of a struggle! Why did I not try that a LONG time ago!!

When ever I am feeling in control I tend to revisit my goals and set some crazy new goal that I never reach because I lose the control after one or two days. But I did this again yesterday. I talked with someone I used to weigh in with once a week (sending a text of a picture of my feet on the scale) and I asked if I could start weighing again. I have not done this for a few months now. I got very frustrated seeing everyone else's success but not my own. Yes, I was jealous. But I am over that now and am moving on with myself. I gained back a few and am losing them again. I had been down to 205 but then right back up as high as 218. This is what I saw yesterday. My weigh in day is now Wednesday. I am not sure why but I think I will like that better than Mondays.


210.0 Very poor picture



And this is the chart I made. It has every Wednesday on it from now through August with a column for weight, # lost and next weeks goal.

 

I decided to start tracking it this way again because when I step on every morning, no I don't practice what I preach, and see a .5 loss or 1.0 gain it seems like I am going nowhere but to see a cumulative one week will help. I also set a goal for the next week. I cought myself looking months out and setting huge goals! I always do this too and it's not feasible let alone an awful mind game to play with yourself. So I have weekly goals to reach my next mile stone goal. I realized last week that my birthday is coming. I AM GOING TO BE 30 in only 2 months! My goal between now and then is 21 pounds. I want to see 189 by August 11. I think I have got this. So I will report back on next Wednesday to see where I am at.

On another note, why you should exercise. What you eat determines the number on the scale, how you exercise determines your body type.
All the women in this photo are 150 pounds. Which body would you rather have?? The one that exercises?

That's my choice, the far right!! That is an awesome goal and it takes time to get there, lots of time to build muscle. This does not happen over night and takes consistency day in and day out. So anyway where I was going with this is yesterday I was in my bosses office and she says, "have you lots more weight?" I said "Well, no, lol." She then replies with "I think you look like you have, I think you look better now then when you first lost all your weight."

This was not meant to be offensive, you just have to know my boss. Point being that I may still weigh the nearly the same as I did 6 months ago but I have worked out differently and I am building muscle. Muscle is smaller than fat and looks better, even though it weighs more!

Yay muscle!!!

I'll end with this!

 

 

You got this!

Happy Monday! I am glad to see it come! I always stay on track so much better during the week. I have big plans for June!

  Ok I started that last night on my phone but it was dumb and I couldn't type. So here's to finish the rest. I love Mondays. Most people hate Monday's but it means I am getting back to routine. I am feeling very confident the last two days. The weekend started off great! I ran the Dam to Dam 5k Saturday morning, taking 4:30 off my last 5k time. Success! But the best part was that my sister came along. She has been on the weight loss wagon for a while now also and this was her first race ever! Last week her running partner backed out and she almost did too. But I told her if she died I knew CPR and if she passed out I would carry her across the finish line. No matter what she would make it!! And she did!!! After I finished my running partner and I went back to find her and ran with her to the finish line. I promised she would make and I was going to make sure. I think the best thing I heard that day was "That was so much more fun than I thought it would be!"


Allie and I before the race.



The three of us after the race and no body died or had to be carried!!!

After the race I was wiped out. I did some things around the house and it really wasn't an eventful day. Sunday I was still tired. I was up at 6:30ish and was napping by 8:30. I never nap let alone early in the morning. It was a housekeeping day. I took another nap in the afternoon and when I woke up I was having to urge to bake. I NEVER BAKE!! Why?? Because I eat it all!!! So yes my Sunday ended with a belly that felt pregnant, I was miserable! But I woke up Monday with a new outlook. I am ready to beat the 200's. June is the month! I am still doing kickboxing every morning, might I add I had to flex in the mirror this morning and these guns are getting bigger!!! But I have decided to add a little more. I had been seeking out a trainer and hadn't had much luck. Either it was insane money or not enough contact to make it worth the time, ect. So I decided, I am a Personal Trainer, I know how to exercise. I wrote my own program. It mainly focus's on lower body and cardio. I have plenty of upper body at Fitboxing and the lower is where I feel I lack. Today is day one!!! I am actually supper excited to get out of bed in the morning and grunt and groan when I try to walk!!! Sick, I know, but I am excited! Now I am really praying this rain stays away long enough to get 4 miles in at the lake before I head to the gym. I haven't been excited to run for a long time! It felt like a chore! But now I see that I have until October to be ready for the half marathon and I have some time goals in my head that will not happen unless I get out there and start running! I bought a sticker for the car on Friday night and it says "13.1 Because I am only half crazy!" I can officially say today I am beginning training for my fourth half marathon!!! Wheww! In high school my peers would have laughed if they heard me say I would ever do one, let alone 4!!!

One of the sayings I have said over and over and over to myself and many others is "You've got this!" I actually am considering having it tattooed on my wrist so I can see it when I am feeling doubtfull.  This morning I saw this on Pfitblog and it couldn't have hit home at a better time.

 

YOU GOT THIS!! Don't let the rainy day hold you back! Get out there and enjoy it for what it is!!

HAPPY TUESDAY!