Your life is your own...

So I have had a lot weighing on my mind lately. Thinking about life...no, I'm not some crazy depressed mad woman who will jump off a bridge tomorrow. I've been thinking about life and where I want it to go and what I want out of it. I can not say that I have that all figured out just yet, but I have figured out what I don't want. I don't want to be the one always trying to make everyone else happy. I've been that person for a very long time and what always happens?? Someone you trust breaks glass all over the side walk and makes you walk over it if you want the friendship to continue. Yes even in the grown up world there are still small children inside a grown persons body that act like this and then there are still people like me who don't want to stir the pot or rock the boat so they just go on as others wish. Not thinking about what they would like. Not any more! I am sorry if you cross my path on the wrong day, but I am done. And really, I'm not sorry. This is the way it is and this is how it is going to be.

There have been and continue to be so many times that people take advantage of kindness and see it as weakness. Well little did they know they're continuous taking advantage of this lady has made one hellaciously strong person. You want to test it?? I don't suggest it.

I am learning that it truely doesn't matter what others think. It doesn't matter what I have, what others have, what someone says to my face. Very few people are ballsey enough to say the truth to anyone's face anyway. What they say behind my back says how they really feel, thier actions when I am not around, those circumstances that show a persons true character...that is what now matters. People like this will think they are not the ones I am talking about, people like this think they can do things in secret and you'll never know. Wrong again,

I will not let others run my life. I want to be happy with all aspects of my life. If that means I go on 6 vacations in one year, if I camp in my back yard all summer, if I hunt in the winter with my husband, run another half marathon or two or never run again(highly unlikely), climb Mt Everest, take 5 years to build a house the way I want it because it's they way I want it, ride a motorcycle, be loud and crazy, drink beer when I want to, color in the coloring book with my son, ect. Whatever it is I will be happy because it is what I wanted for my family and I. It's not fake, it's real.

Don't get me wrong. I will not be mean. I will not be rude. I will not be one of "those" people that I am talking about. But I will be honest. I will be upfront and I will do what I wish weather you and the rest of society approves or not. I know my abilities and inabilities. I am knowledgeable, confident, secure, respectful and sincere. So why not live for myself and family, not for everyone else.

How are you living yours? Are you the bat, the ball or the batter?? It's your choice to be what you want. So what is stopping you?


On another note weighed in this afternoon, 222.4 which is down 2.6 since last Monday. Goal this week...good buy 220's!
Get up and go kick some ass!!

No time to blog right now! I have 50 minutes until I pick up Trent from preschool. Want this body?? I do! Time to run!! Get your ass moving!! Hehe!

START NOW!

DOOOOOO IT!!!

Later gator! 

Easy outs

Today has been awesome! I finally after a year of trying got my ass outta bed at 3:45 in the morning, laced up my shoes and I ran, before work!! Wow does my body not like to move that early. Going to try and make it a habbit though. It is so hot in the afternoon after work that I can't get in a good hard run without having a heat stroke. 105* is just to hot.

While I was running I was thinking. Which is something I don't often do, while running that is. It would be scary to see a brain wave study during a run because there is nothing going on up the. Half the time my music is blaring but I don't even hear the words. Anyway this isn't about what is not going on inside my head. I was thinking about all of the things that I have tried prior to lifestyle changes to lose weight, fat blockers(these made you have squirty farts) yes it was embarassing, carb burners(I never really knew what these did), starving...well that really never worked cuz I'd only starve a couple hours before I binged so I guess that wasn't really starving, I tried to make myself throw up a couple time after a binge( I don't know how an anorexic does it cuz I never could make myself throw up), detox wraps that will shrink your cells but the scale never changes and it cost more than a weeks worth of groceries to do it...all of these always ended up resorting back to eating what ever I wanted and binges. So what is it that makes people take the plunge and do it the hard way?

There are so many people, like me, who I'd just like to smack up side the head. They would just assune take these pills that block the fat from being absorbed into their body and side effect is having a rectal discharge that you have to wear a pad to protect yourself from the whole world thinking you shit yourself. Why not just simplify it, DON'T EAT THE FAT TO BEGIN WITH! Wow what a concept. Don't eat the fat, no squirts, actually healthier functioning bowels, lower cholesterol, lower risk of heart disease, stroke, heart attack, fatty liver, ect. Really? Yes, it does work that way.

If you really truely are ready to make a change, it is time to do it the only way that will work and work long term. Healthy diet and regular exercise. That's it. No special chemical formulas, pills, cleanses, detoxes, wraps or meal replacements.

Just food.

If you noticed, I did not weigh in publicly on Monday. I drank a lot of beer Saturday night and yes beer, myself and the scale don't get along so well. But I like to drink it now and then. I'll report come next Monday.

It has been 9 days since I have had sugar and I am feeling pretty good. It was super easy for me to say no today to ice cream brownie sundays at work. Some people can have these things in moderation. I can't. Everyone is a little different and to be successful you must learn how you and your body work.

Heres to another great day tomorrow!!

I've been a little MIA lately. Sometimes it's hard to find time to blog and then when I do have time I'm not sure what to talk about. Last night we went to the local rodeo. Hmmm. It made me think about how I have not decided yet what I want to be when I grow up. I know I am almost 29 and I still don't know. But I want to try everything. I have said for many years that I want to barrel race horses. When I watch it being done it makes me teary. Yes I am a big baby and can cry at the drop of the hat about the stupidist things and watching barrel racing is one of those stupid things that makes me cry! The horses are beautiful and so powerful. Which brings up the number one issue...I'm a little aftraid of horse's. It's ok, you can laugh. They are so BIG! But I think it is time. I think it is time for me to come out of my shell, start going to my step dad's and start riding and getting comfortable, and to visit of course ;) So why have I waited to so long?? I have horses this close in the family. They ride in parades and do team shows and trail rides all the time!



I have a huge fear of the "f" word. Yes the "f" word...failure. I have always been afraid I wouldn't be good enough, I would look like a fool, I couldn't do it. I have at one point in my life been told all of these things by people near and dear to me. But I am done. I don't care what anyone else thinks of me or what I do. What counts is that I try. If I never try then I will always be wondering "what if." So no more wondering, just doing. My next step is to get on a horse. So dad and Teresa be ready to teach this girl everything, and I mean everything because I know nothing, lol.


On another note, I went for a run last night. At 10:30, it was beautiful out and I had a lot of frustration to get rid of. It was only a 2 miler but it helped, A TON!  I have told myself I am going to start running every day again. I know some people think that it is to much to do every day but that is when I have best results and when I feel the best! 

So tooddles for now! Have a great weekend!

Today has been one of those days!! A struggle all day. Some how I have managed to stay on track. The foot is on the mend I believe. It is hurting less and less. Still not able to run but I have gotten on the spin bike at the gym the last couple of days.  It is a good change from the norm. However I am due for a good run!
As I said it has taken a lot to get through the day. My emotions have been a roller coaster. Bored. Lonely. Bored. Bored. Quietness. Lonely. All my usual excuses to eat. But I found other ways around the little devil on my shoulder saying "Go ahead! Just one won't hurt...Go on..Go to Casey's and get you a snack...you know you want a chocolate peanut butter shake...oh some chocolate covered peanuts would top off that supper great..." BLAH BLAH BLAH! This is what I hear daily! Someday I am going to find a halo to put over that little devils head and it'll never know what hit it! Or at least an ear plug for that ear.

As I kept hearing those things run through my head today I reminded myself what having just one would do. Back to that bowl of cocaine again, just one would turn into everything I could get my hands on, several thousand calories and another week of disappointment on the scale. I am tired of disappointment, I am tired of only being half way to my goal. I am the only one that can fix that. Me myself, I that's it. I can not rely on anyone else and I can not blame anyone else. This is me owning my behavior. You can exercise all you want but you can't out exercise a bad diet. It doesn't work. I've tried it. I have spent countless hours at the gym, running down the highway, doing dvd's in my living room over the last year. Because of the bad diet, my time exercising has only allowed me to stay in shape but not lose weight.

Because of the mood I was in and because I have learned what my mind and body do I made a low calorie supper tonight that I could eat a lot of. I am on a zucchini kick here lately. I diced 2 zucchini, spread on a cookie sheet, sprayed with spray butter(I use spray butter on everything, I love butter!) and sprinkled with Mrs Dash, baked an hour or so at 425*, then sprinkled with parmasean cheese before I ate it. And yes I ate a 4oz pork chop and 2 whole zucchinis for supper!

Now its time for bed and I can mark off one more successful day, no "cocaine", no little devils winning over me and a little less flab when I wake up in the morning.

OWN IT

So there is one thing that has been really eating at me today.

Excuses and honesty.

If your not ready to take the leap and become a healthier person because you have this in the way or that in the way. Stop it. They are just excuses! When I started eating healthier and exercising I carried 1 full time job, 3 part time jobs, did all the mommy things for my almost 2 year old and a wife. I found time. So tell me again why you can't?? Are you sure it's not why you won't?? I DESPISE excuses! And if your going to say all these things to try and make yourself feel better about being a lazy butt and not doing what you could, at least be honest with yourself. If there is a day I eat poorly or I don't exercise it is because I chose to. Not because so and so did this or someone said that or there wasn't anything else to eat. It is because I CHOSE TO. Own up to your choices.

 You and only you are responsible for where your at today.

OWN IT

Monday, weekly weigh in Last week 226 Today 223.6 #'s Lost 2.4 I well accept this but I can do better

Wow has it been a busy couple of days!! I started out Saturday with the Warrior Dash. IT. WAS. AWESOME! I had soooo much fun! A few years ago I would have never thought running would be fun let a lone running an obstical course! Hey Fred, lets run up hills in the timber, climb rope walls, crawl through dirt trenches and jump over fire at 11:30 on a 95* day in July with no breeze just to see what it's like!!!! Absolutley Wilma, sounds like the thing we should do! Is not a conversation that would have ever crossed my mind let alone come out of my mouth! But that was the coolest thing I have ever done! Sweat, tears, yes tears(See details later about the massive pop from my foot at 1/4 mile) and mud! MUD has never felt so good! it was cool when all else what hot, sticky sweaty, dusty and burnt! I can not wait for pictures to come out on Thursday!! So the massive pop in my foot...I'm at the second obstical. Over the half wall, under the barb wire. Yes I nailed it. Ok I've got this and I am supper pumped right now. Adrenaline is raging! WooWoo!! Approaching second wall, left knee comes up as I push off of my right foot and HOLY MOTHER OF JESUS I THINK SOMEONE JUST SHOT ME IN THE FREAKING FOOT!!!! Eyes fill with tears as I leap over the wall and under the wire, over the wall, yep that still hurts, under the wire and jog off down the trail into the timber. Yep still hurts, pretty dam bad, "I think I'm in trouble" I said out loud to my closest running partner, but I will not cry. I will not stop. I WILL finish this race WITHOUT support! Stupid decision to run on my foot the next 2.5 miles while it feels as though every muscle in my arch has been torn to shreads, yes. The satisfaction of knowing I completed that race and did my best with an ailment, Priceless! Hurt or not I will most deffinatley without a doubt run another Warrior Dash!! Then I came home and was supposed to run a 6 mile run for a benefit but couldn't really even walk. So I borrowed the neighbors bike and rode in the bike group instead of running it. This to was so much fun! I think it is time I buy a bike! I could get used to riding! I am already looking foreward to next year! Check it out at www.bar2barbara.com

I think I was asleep by 9:00 that night and off to work on Sunday. And yes the foot is still sore! Sunday wasn't a great day. I gave in and had some cream cheese mints from a party the day before and that started the spiral. I ate a lot of them, like 20!! and then ate chinese and a butterfinger blizzard before the end of the day! All because I ate one little mint. I know better and really kick myself when I do stupid things like that!


After warrior dash, yes we had been washed off by the fire trucks already.

Today has been a pretty good day for Friday the 13th. Except waking up at 5:54 when I am supposed to be at work at 6!! Something triggered me last night and I had cravings all evening! I ate a little more than I should have but I don't think it was a complete failure. I am right on track today! I am supper starving right now and I think I will have to settle on take out spaghetti so I can carb load for tomorrow and not have to cook it. I typically would not carb load for a 3.4 mile run but since it is an obstical course and I have a hilly 6 mile run tomorrow afternoon, I think I'll go ahead.

So yes as I mentioned I have Warrior Dash in the morning! I am supper excited! I have done 5k's, 10k's, 20k's, and a half marathon but this will be the first run of this kind I have done! And why someone would want to go through a military boot camp training type activity for fun is beyond me, but I guess I am doing it anyway! Then at 4:00 I will be running Bar-2-Barbara! They will both be a blast, however I may be the idiot for doing both on the same day! Sorry if you have to work with me Sunday, might not be worth a shit;) Check them both out! It's not to late to sign up for Bar 2 Barbara and you can make donations too! http://www.warriordash.com/register2012_iowa.php# www.bar2barbara.com Not much more to say today. My nerves are getting the best of me, always do. I will do my best to go to bed early tonight so I get plenty of rest but as usual, I won't be able to fall asleep.

Pop!!

So I'm really craving a pop or soda whatever you choose to call it. It has been 5 days since I've had one! After reading how the body's oxygen cells have to fight the carbonation and it can cause a struggle for runners I have left it alone. I know it will give me a headache but boy would I like to feel the burn!!

Well it is my only day off for the week. I find a day at home is often the toughgest to stay on track. It should be easy at home with no temptations but nope, it's not. I have been through many phases of eating habits, for example I used to eat what ever I wanted and however much I wanted. I would just be sure to stay within my calories. Then I started eating really low calorie foods so I could eat a lot of food but stay with in my calories. Currently, especially on a day like today, I eat servings. I have a specific number of protiens, grains, veggies, fruits, and fats that are planned for each meal and a snack in between meals. Yes, I have to follow a plan. I am weak. I am easily swayed, I do not have control so therefore I have to follow this plan. What happened to the good old eat when your hungry? I don't know but it doesn't work for me. It should be that simple shouldn't it. But it's not.

For some people eating isn't a problem. They don't have weight/health issues. Food is not on their mind 24/7. Eating when they are hungry works for them. Those are the kind of people that will never understand people like me. Not that there is anything wrong with someone that is like that but they can not relate because they don't understand.

Let me try to make this a little more clear for some of you. This is how I work, and many others. If you set a bowl of cocaine in front of an addict  and say only one snort, or what ever they call it, you can only have one and then you walk away. What do you expect to happen?? Your looney if you think they will only take one snort! They will take one and then another, and another and another and another until the bowl is gone and then they will be on a rampage for more no matter how much they have had they need more. That is me. Only its not a drug. It is bread, pasta, sweets, cakes, chocolate, ice cream, potatoes...I can't have them. Not even just one. So those of you that say come on you can have just one, its not going to kill you. Yes, Yes it will. I have one now and then I want another and another. And just like an addict would behave I will sneak food when no one is looking, I will find excuses to get away so I can find something else, even though it gives me a head ache and my stomach hurts, and maybe TMI but anymore I even get horrible diarrhea and no it donesn't stop a person like me from going on a binge and uncontrolable binge.

So this is why on days like today I plan ahead. I know what I am eating. I fill my schedule with things to do, even if it is washing last nights work out clothes or scrubbing the pee off the bathroom floor, I have to have a schedule. And god for bid if you throw a wrench in my plans the whole day may come to a hualt.

Make your plan for today and stay on track. People don't plan to fail, they fail to plan. Be prepared for what life will throw at you and it isn't so hard to catch it but when you are not ready and out of the blew comes a speed ball its going to hit you in the gut and take a few days to recover. Lets not waist a few days on that!!

On the flip side I am getting really nervous for the Warrior Dash on Saturday morning and then turning around and doing Bar2Barbara on Saturday night. I believe that six mile run may eat me alive after warrior dash!!

NO COCAINE TODAY, lol

SAVE YOURS!!

this is me...

    Well Hello! You must be just as bored as I was when I wrote this blog if you are now reading it, lol. Ok just kidding, but not really because that is how this blog idea was started, I...get...bored. So with a little encouragement I have decided to blog. About what?? Well health, fitness, my weight loss, the dumb cotton wood tree in the back yard that covers my yard in white fuzz every spring, exercise, my family, what EVER it is that I feel I need to talk about on a given day.

   On a more serious note I am also using this as an accountability tool to finish a journey I started in January of 2009. At that time I was 346 pounnds and very unhealth. I decided I needed to make a change, not like I hadn't ever made this attempt before but for some reason I was actually going somewhere with it this time. With strictly diet, exercise and learning about food and my body I began to lose weight. I was down a total of 140 pounds (206) in October of 2011, I maintained this for some time and then for the 3rd time I quit smoking and gained back 20 pounds. Currently yes I am at 226 with the desire to be at 170 before Christmas. So it is time to finish what I started and help others along the way. Yes sometimes I can be a little blunt, a little offensive, a little too loud and even a little quiet but I will promise you this...I will be honest, I will give 100% and I will do my best to help ANYONE that has the courage to reach out and ask. So wiggle yourself into the sports bra (the tighter it is the tighter it holds them puppies), no I'm not really southeren and I know that was bad grammer but it sounded like the right thing to say, pull up the spandex(again the tighter it is the better job it does at keeping the thighs from clapping and the obscene farting noises that sneak out from your flopping belly, no your not the only one that this happens to and yes I know from experience, if you see me working out it is in my tight pants and I sure as heck don't look like J-lo from the back side...yet;) and lace up those sneakers!

Tomorrow is a new day and I have nailed diet and exercise this week, My goal for tomorrow is to maintain that, one day at a time 1500-1700 calories and 60 minutes of sweat!!

Cassie