12 steps to self care

I AM STILL HERE!!! I have taken a break from blogging. The last few weeks, well months really, I have done a lot of looking at life. What do I want in life? Where do I want to go? What makes me happy? What can I do without?

Yep I turned 30 and decided it was time to enjoy life!!!

I have stepped on the scale recently but it has been at least a week ago. I really can not tell you when it was. I intended on weighing in this morning for a challenge I joined that starts tomorrow; however, I completely forgot. I woke up a little late, the scale is not sitting out to remind me and it never crossed my mind. I think I have finally gotten to the point where I do not obsess about it. I FORGET ABOUT IT!!! YAY!!! So like I said I start a challenge tomorrow so I will weigh in tomorrow morning, September 21 and then October 1.

This challenge I talk about is a 10 day clean eating challenge I joined on Facebook with a coach I used to work a little with. It is only 10 days, no alcohol, no sugar and no artificial junk food. I think it is perfect to get me on track with my eating. I typically will do really well for a few days and then I blow it so I am excited to start this. I will plan September 21 to be my one and only cheat day and then be back at it for the remainder of the month.

 

 

This is where I have been mentally in the most recent days. Working on me and what makes me happy. If you aren't happy you sure as hell aren't healthy. I am still working on #2, #5,  and #7 but I am getting there!

And this is how it makes me feel!!! Free and alive!

 

I challenge you to take the 12 steps to self care!!

Short, sweet and to the point today! See you soon!!

A different way of thinking

Well my little man went off to first grade yesterday! He was so excited!!!

 

And when I asked him how his day was he said "BORING!" "But 2 gingerbread men jumped out of the oven at snack time and ran off! Mom, we have to call dad so if he see's them he doesn't run them over!!!" So he must have enjoyed himself a little because he was so excited about the gingerbread men and we had to look for them on the way home!

 

As I said in my last post I have put my scale away until September 1. I have started to change my way of thinking over the last few weeks. I have come to a realization of so many things! When I first started this journey I changed the food I choose to eat and I ate 1200 calories per day. Yes I lost weight, I lost a lot of weight. I started exercising, exercising a lot, sometimes even twice a day. Long extended cardio sessions, abusing my body in all aspects. Every time I ate something that I "shouldn't" I would feel heavy guilt and remorse. So I would tell myself to jump back on the wagon and move forward. But I thought I was doing what I was supposed to do. Isn't that how people ate? I mean it was working so it had to be right! Right???  ??

 

WRONG!

 

So after so long with excessive calorie restriction and extreme exercise and I had turned into a smaller version of me that was/is moody with very definitive highs and lows, depressed, frequent headaches, sleep deprived, food obsessed, unhappy, pressure ridden bitch. Yep that was me. Was this the healthy lifestyle I was looking for? Was this what people felt like that lived a healthy lifestyle? Is this what I am working so hard to get to?

 

I think what I forgot was a healthy lifestyle includes so much more than the food that goes in your mouth and the calories you burn in the gym. If you don't have happiness then where is the healthy in that?  The binge/purge process, from one extreme to another, 1200 calories a day to 5000 calorie binges, with unnecessary amounts of cardio and extreme guilt and shame. What is this? 

 

What this is, is a recipie for disaster. What this is, is a shurefire way to ruin your metabolism and better yet to make you a very unhappy person with nothing left to enjoy even when you reach the goal. So say you do manage do reach a goal with these tactics. Then what? Do you continue eating 1200 calories per day? Your body has adjusted to what you do. It has learned to live off of the food that you give it and it has adapted and knows how much exercise you are going to do. To take out all the science shit, what has happened is all this effort you have put in to burn calories and lose weight has SLOWED YOUR METABOLISM!!! Now you want to go to maintenance phase and you increase your calories to the recommended 2000 calorie daily diet. That is 800 calories more per day then your body is used to. Now you start gaining weight like wildfire! But your metabolism is still so slow, you cut your calories again to lose what you gained and nothing happens!!! You start running miles and miles per day, and nothing happens! Why??? You have SCREWED your metabolism!!!

 

  This is a VERY VERY VERY slow process to repair. When the lifestyle becomes an obsession, constantly thinking about food, hours of exercise to make up for what I've eaten, ect it is no longer a healthy lifestyle! It's time to focus on health, happiness and life as a whole

 

This is me. This is my new journey. The scale only comes out once, maybe twice per month, I don't feel guilty for eating something "bad" for me. I eat one serving and move on about my business. There is no more on or off the bandwagon. I exercise, I do what I enjoy in intervals with intensity and be done, no wasting time in long drawn out sessions and hours upon hours in the gym. Most importantly I will enjoy my life as it comes! I will not let the process control my life, I will enjoy the process! I would hate to think that you didn't enjoy cake with your children at the birthday party and on your way home that night you die in a car accident. Yep that is how I will end.

 

IT IS YOUR LIFE, ENJOY IT WHILE YOU HAVE IT!

(that doesn't mean go on an uncontrollable binge, just enjoy the process!)

I'm 30 and I'm training to be badass!

I made it through the 20's and as of yesterday am now 30. I did a lot of thinking this morning and on my way to work. I had SOOOOO much fun this weekend!!! Why? Because I gave myself a free pass to not worry about the scale, to not worry about what I ate and not worry about what I drank. I allowed myself to enjoy the moment. I visited with people I don't see every day. I had a blast while all of us "grown ups" acted like 18 year olds again! I am so glad I decided to join the block party Saturday night instead of keeping my birthday celebration separate. We had TONS of food, yard games, music, drinks and even more people! Here is my BFF and myself about half way through the night!

I have made the decision to put the scale away for the rest of the month. I will get it out on September 1. I will focus on the healthy daily habits and not the result. If you focus on the habits the results will follow. I will make good food choices, I will drink my water (I am so dehydrated right now from Saturday night and playing volleyball yesterday that my lips are peeling!) no late night eating and regular exercise.

I have come to the conclusion that

 

1. Yes, I still want to lose a few pounds but I want to be a healthy person more than a number on the scale  that shows my body's relation to gravity.

 

2. I want health in entirety, not just a healthy weight, that really doesn't mean shit if the rest of your life is not in balance.

 

3. I want to enjoy life as it happens and not let the scale depress me and be my focus every day while I let everything else in the world pass me by.

 

 

Is this me giving up?? Absolutely not!! This is me focusing on the beauty of life! There is so much out there to see and experience! It is time I do that!!

 

 

I played volleyball yesterday with a group of people. I am HORRIBLE at volleyball but I love playing. In the beginning I always have butterflies in my tummy, afraid of what kind of fool I will make of myself. But who really cares, everyone screws up, does something stupid, hits the ball to the wrong place, whatever, laugh about it and go on. Once I got over this I actually started playing and the errors became less. Don't get me wrong I still need some practice, A LOT, but I was able to have fun and not be scared once I let that go. So that is what I am doing with life. I am letting the stress go so life isn't passing me by.

 Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined!

 

Goals and Burpee funny

I sit here this morning trying to decide what to blog about. There are all these things I could say just a little about, however I am not usually good at just saying a little. I said in my last blog I was going to go to kick boxing every morning this week, which I did. I am not doing so great on my evening exercise. I have yet to get in a run. I honestly have been so exhausted this week that I have had to just rest and that itself hasn't been enough. I did go to class on Tuesday night in addition to morning class. I love going to evening class because I feel like I can push WAAAAAY harder...this leads me to my next thought in just a minute. I was supppper sore after going to two classes on Tuesday and then getting back up Wednesday at 4:20am to go again. I received a call at 11:15 that day that my kitchen table we ordered 3 months ago was going to be delivered at 12:30. Well crap, I got nothing done and work and sped off to make it home before the delivery truck arrived. I LOVE MY TABLE!! Anyway, set it up, went and picked up Trenton and I think I napped off and on for close to 3 hours. We went to a birthday party and home by 9:30 but still not to bed before 10:30-11. These late nights are killing me. Went to class Thursday morning and drug myself through it but I wasn't real productive. I was so tired all day Thursday I was nearly falling asleep on my way TO work. I almost had myself talked into going back to class in the evening but when I stood up to get out of the car my calves were hurting so bad, I decided to cook supper and relax. As sleepy as I have been lately and feel like I am dragging myself through the muck, I decided I need a pre workout supplement, to at least make myself feel like I am giving it my all for the hour I am at class, really one of my biggest pet peeves is halfassedness! So I did get some Visalus samples and I am hoping to get to GNC this weekend to get a few other samples to see what I like best for me, I am really nervous about things that could mess with my blood pressure or heart rate since I have a history of high blood pressure. Today I am feeling good! I woke up knowing it was Friday!

I left my computer and am now back with a thought. We all have goals. Everyone's are different. If everyone had the same goals there would be nothing unique about any of us. We each are different in our own ways. So what are your goals???? Really, where is it that your life is taking you and where is it that your going to take ahold of the reins and change directions? You can change directions at any time, remember you have ahold of the reins.

I don't always know exactly what my goals are, but I do know the direction I want to go. This girl above is not my goal. This person is skinny. She is not fit, probably starves, is right for someone but not what I want to be.

This is closer, I want girly curves and definition at the same time. Conceded, maybe, idealistic, maybe, but this is my goal and no one else's. Something I have come to learn and accept is that I or anyone for that matter can loose a large number on the scale week in and week out. Send me out on a bender and give me 3 days and I can drop 5-7 pounds. Healthy...no, sustainable...no. Will it get me or you to goal...NO! Since my goal is not strictly loosing weight I have come to accept that this process takes time. I want to feel good, enjoy life, build myself from the inside out and enjoy the life I have and the one I am making. Healing the heart from the inside and building the body from the inside takes time. I have seen great strides in my muscle tone in the last 6 months, yes 6 months. But does it matter that it took that long for me to get guns? No because I enjoyed the process. A person has to continue pushing through, enjoy what they are doing and NEVER GIVE UP. EVER

 Ok there is not much to you with the burpee image but I have to tell you a funny story. I am at class yesterday morning and like I said, utterly exhausted, sore from head to toe and very uncoordinated. We're doing work on the bosu and when you jumped off the bosu you were to do a burpee. I just was not feeling it. I could not make my body do what I wanted it to do. I jumped off the bosu, squatted down, hands on the floor, jump back, and fall down. MY LEGS DID NOT MOVE! Yep I felt a little silly hoping no one from behind me happen to see, since I was in the front row!! I think I literally laughed out loud at myself! But I jumped back up an did it again! When life knocks you down, do a burpee!! And if you fall down during your burpee...DO ANOTHER:)

 Happy Friday! Go enjoy your weekend and feed your body the fuel it needs and use it as it was intended to be used! SUNDAY I TURN 30!!!!

August Goals

I set my August goals last week and it is time to be accountable and share them.

Make every morning kickboxing class this month(I was starting to get into an oversleeping rut-NO MORE)

Run 8 miles per week-This isn't much but it will get me started again

Down 15 pounds-Big numbers but I need to focus

Control night time binging

I skipped weigh in this morning. I know it was bad. Yesterday after cleaning my house I spent the day making mints for my sisters baby shower and then I plan on taking a dip so I thought I better make it ahead of time to try and make sure it was good. Needless to say my supper consisted of mints and crab ragoon dip, BAD CHOICE!!! I have been my own worst enemie this last few weeks and it is time to focus! Only I can do this for me and no one else!

I decided on my way to work this morning that I will be going to kickboxing every morning this week and then either running or kickboxing also in the evening. Yes this is a lot. I have a lot to make up for and it isn't even the exercise that is needed, it's the mental change that will happen when I put all my focus into one hat. I'm tired of setting goals and not reaching them. I will be 30 next Sunday and I really wanted to be out of the 200's by then. I have only failed myself. So my goal now is to be as close to 199 as I can get.

 NO MORE BS STORIES!

Happy Birthday Arnold!

To start off Happy Birthday Arnold!!

 

 

I don't have a lot of newness to report today. It was a fairly lazy weekend. Tyler had to work all day Saturday in Omaha. After I got the house work done, this is something I hate but am becoming a little more anal about since our remodel, Trent and I went to Des Moines and saw Turbo at the Jordan Creek Cinema. I love that theater! The seats are super comfy! I did manage to stay completely away from any treats at the theater. Trent had ice cream. I let him splurge. He has been on a dairy free diet for about 2 1/2 weeks for his chronic runny/stuffy nose and it has worked! I am at the point with his ears and sinus's that I am willing to try anything rather than putting him through surgery AGAIN! He's only 6 and has had surgery 4 times with still having troubles and has lost partial hearing in his left ear. It is time to go back to the ENT but I have been holding off to see if our check ups at the chiropractor are healing his ears. And quite frankly he likes Dr Josh much better than the ENT. But anyway after the ice cream it was only a couple of hours and his faucet on his face started flowing and breathing was heavier. I guess dairy free will be something we are going to adjust to in our house for the long haul. After the movie I went to Bed Bath and Beyond to try and find a shower curtain and trash can for our bathroom. It's been all summer the inside of our house is essentially done and I have not bought ANY decorations. I did find what I liked at Bed Bath and Beyond but it was $100 for a shower curtain, hooks and trash can, I couldn't justify it! I put it all back and left with a vase and flowers to set on the counter. We went to Target for a back pack and I looked at shower curtains there too, NOTHING!! After the Target crowd, I was done. I swear kids and mom's school supply shopping is enough to put me over the edge. I really wanted to go to Kohl's but Trent and I had enough of shopping together. It was about to get ugly! We came home. I stopped by the Dollar General to pick up a couple things and thought I would just see what they had for shower curtains. By God of all places that is where I ended up getting my shower curtains, hooks and 3 rugs!

Sunday we didn't do a lot either. Hung out at home, Tyler went fishing and then we had a fish fry at the neighbors. I love the fish and we had fried potatoes. WAY TO MUCH GREASE! My tummy was hurting.

I started following a new plan. It is eating a lot like I always have, protein, veggies and a few carbs but it is more accurate timing of the correct foods. Chris Powell's 7 day carb cycling. I am down 4 pounds in 3 days, so I am anxious to see what a full week brings!




I decided yesterday that I was going to run, no if's and's or but's, I was doing it. I packed my workout clothes in my work bag, changed at work so I had no excuse to stop at home and when I got into town parked my car at the store and off I went. Honestly, I was scared to death. I haven't run more than once a month for probably 6-8 months. My biggest fear is always that dirty "f" word...FAILURE! What if it was hard, what if I couldn't make it as far as I thought I should, what if I have to walk, what if, what if, what if. Well what if you never lace up your shoes again? What if you never get out there and make an attempt? What if it isn't that hard? You'll never know if you don't just go do it! And Warrior Dash is less than a month away and it is not going to run itself! I set out and did 2 fairly slow miles, 11:30 minute miles. But I ran the entire thing and it wasn't that hard. So I am setting out tomorrow to do 3 miles. It's time to get back into the routine. I hate putting on my shoes to go run, I get butterflies in my stomach, but I love the feeling after I accomplish a good run!

I have laid off the biking a little the last week. My right pinky and ring finger are still numb from last Wednesday. DAMN CARPAL TUNNEL!!! I am going to have to make some adjustments before I add any more miles.

Totally over slept this morning so I will be going to Fabulous Fit Boxing tonight and taking Trent along. I will have to be sure and find him something to do. Well it is a high carb day and I can absolutely tell the difference in how I feel. I know tonight will be a kick ass workout! I have that much energy today!

 

I am getting a little windy so I'll finish up. Here is a picture I found from 5 years ago. It was 6 months before I started this journey. My how time changes things!!! 2013/2008

 

This week's goals:

5 days kickboxing

Stay on plan on low carb days

Keep cheat meal down to 1 meal

Run 10 miles

Current Weight: 209

Next week goal: 203(Yes this is a stretch, but I will do it!)

Plan smart for my birthday! (I will be 30 on August 11) I am struggling with this idea, NO LONGER IN THE 20's?????

Persistance

Wow have I been MIA! I have however been enjoying myself! Lots of time out with friends and family the last two weeks. It wasn't good for the scale but it was good for my soul!

So what have I been up to?? Last weekend was the 2013 Bar-2-Barbra. If you ever want to get involved in a fundraiser event this is the one. It is a 10k bike ride, run or walk and this year a golf tournament was added. There is something for all levels. As well as the physical event there is a dare show. You can dare someone to do something silly for a dollar amount. All proceeds go towards Huntington's disease research. Sarah is the woman who started this event. She made a promise to her mother after she passed away from Huntington's disease if she did not carry the gene she would do what she could to make a difference. This is how the event all began! here is a link to the Facebook page, check it out and join us next year! Bar-2-Barbra My dare was to race with Roger and Chance to see who could finish their jalapenos and coke first. I won!

There has been more alcohol consumed by me in the last two weeks than I usually drink in a year! And yes it has caught up to me! I was up just over 10 pounds in two weeks. But I am back on track and it is falling off again.

This is short and sweet today, I have a meeting to get to but persistence is what will get you where you need to go. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and continue pushing through! YOU WILL GET THIS!

 Keep making small efforts and all the obstacle's in your way will suddenly become part of the journey!

Breathe

I have been on a blogging hiatus this last week. I apologize now for that. It has been really busy since July 3rd. This is really not much of a fitness related blog, I have all this stuff I want to talk about so it is probably going to come out mush, blended together and not make any sense, lol. 

This last week has involved a LOT of alcohol! Not something I do frequently but I managed to see the sunrise twice in 4 days!! I have had enough of late nights for awhile! Although it was a TON of fun and I have found I love being around people that are perfectly happy with me being me!! And of course I am paying for it. I gained 9 pounds from alcohol this last week and so now I am working to get rid of that. I am scale stalking and down 4 pounds in 3 days. Next week I will have better scale news!

I want to share a song that can bring me down when I am stressed or can do the opposite and pump me up when I need a lift! I love this song and the lyrics are amazing.

2 AM (Breathe) Anna Nalick

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xdRHSuPxgXo Here is the you tube link if you want to listen!

2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?,
I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season"
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason

'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl.
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

May he turned 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
"Just a day" he said down to the flask in his fist,
"Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year."
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him. Maybe I'll just sing about it.

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button, boys,
So cradle your head in your hands,
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

There's a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you'd only try turning around.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
and breathe, just breathe
woah breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe.

No matter what aspect of life you are struggling with we must be reminded that life only moves forward. We can not go back and change the past but the future is in our hands and you can make of it whatever you want if you just make the plan, put forth the effort and just breathe through the tough spots. We are all people and we all have a story that many people haven't even taken the time to understand. There are always going to be nay sayers, haters and pessimists but you just let them go living in their pitifulness and open your ears and hearts to those that are positive and supportive. There are so many people in this world. Why do you have to surround yourself with the negative ones? Really, WHY??? YOU DON'T!! Move on make yourself happy!! Make the most of yourself! You have more potential than you will ever know you have if you don't push the limits!

 

Easier said than done you say??? Really?? Do we need to sit down and have a heart to heart?? Do I need to remind you where I come from? Not my weight, that is not what I am talking about. If  you truly are thinking to yourself right now that I am crazy and you can't do this and you can't do that, then I think you need to message me and we'll have a talk! 

 

Happy Hump Day!!

Stress

I usually post when everything is all rainbows and butterflies, well this week that has not been the case. Hence my blog hiatus recently. I am not a person that stresses about much. It takes a LOT to get me stirred up. A LOT! This hasn't always been me. I used to stress over everything and it ate me alive!! This week it seems as though nothing is going the way it should be! Everything is making me cry and TOM is not even near so it's not hormonal. Just plain old stress of life.

My car has been making a funny noise so we took it to the dealership on Tuesday and I should have it back today, along with a nearly $2000 bill!!!! AAAAAHHHHH SHIT!  $2000 freaking dollars! I lost it, a few times over this!!

Evedn through this I managed to maintain good eating habits on Tuesday. Wednesday I did good all day! Wednesday weigh in showed 205.4, so that was a 1.6 pound loss from last week. Except after I weighed last week I thought I would give myself a treat and it turned into a 2 day binge! I was up nearly 5 pounds. I managed to lose that along with the additional 1.6, so I was happy with that. This Wednesday was not as bad with the eating but I did do it again. I let the stress of the car win! It was stupid! And a true binge, I sat in the dark and cried over what I had done with overwhelming guilt after I regained control. So now I am again playing catch up to work off the damage the binge did. Again yesterday I was pretty stressed. When I am stressed, if I don't eat it away I am very quiet. So last night was a good night for quietness. After supper we sat down and watched Pitch Perfect. It was a great movie. I laughed and laughed!! Even Tyler liked it! I was up until almost midnight, so I did not hear my alarm at all at 4:15 this morning, I missed kick boxing. With a big goal of seeing 199.9 by Wednesday it was a bad week to miss class so I MUST make myself run this afternoon and Saturday and Sunday. My struggle this weekend will be to stay away from the beer!! All I want is a campfire and a case of miller light!! This will not help me get to my goals!

I have also found myself missing the past this weekend. I don't know what has happened to some people and then I wonder where the heck my friends are? I have decided that girls and I don't mesh well. That's ok. I will not let others bring me down. I am just me and if you don't like it that is your choice and that is ok. There are others that will.

So in the short this will need to be a focused weekend. I will need to keep myself busy and stay away from the fridge! I want this goal before the 4th of July, it is something I have never seen before in my journey! I probably haven't been under 200 since jr high!!!

So to you and I have a great weekend!

Before and after

NO MATTER WHERE YOUR AT...

NO MATTER WHERE YOUR GOING...

I JUST WANT TO TELL YOU...

YOU'VE GOT THIS!!!!!!!!

 

Wednesday weigh in

It's weigh in Wednesday for me. I just started this last week again and my goal was to lose 4 pounds.

Kickboxing has been brutal the last few days. I AM SORE!! To top it off I can not get my husband to shut down at night and we work on this and work on that, sit out side to talk and someone stops by, or he just keeps talking!!! It has been after 11 when I have gotten to bed all week!! Yesterday I woke up with a sore throat so I decided to go back to bed and went to kickboxing last night and this morning I woke up just plain ass tired. I went back to bed and then over slept for work!!! Tonight I am going to make it a point to get to bed at a decent time!!!!

So I don't have a lot to say today. I have been in meetings and now am going back to work and have to get caught up for the time I have been gone

Here are the results.

 

It's dark and upside down but I can't figure out how to turn it around!!

 

 

Last week 210

This week 207

Weight Change -3

 

 

I did fairly well most of the week but I know I could have done with out the zebra cakes and nutty bars. Honestly, they don't taste as good as they used too. And TMI alert....Lovely T.O.M. showed up so I am pleased with the 3 pound loss.

 

Next week I am aiming for 4 pounds and 4 kickboxing classes

 

g classes.

I will fight for it...wrong side of weight loss

I have been talking and watching a couple people, myself included, really struggling the last few months. Myself, the last 2 years. I remembered this blog I read a while back and wanted to share it. It helped me and I hope that it is going to help you to if or when your struggling. Everyone always says weight loss is something that doesn't happen over night. We ALL know that, however we still expect to see big numbers fall off the scale every week. We know the work we put in and expect to see that in a number. It is so much more than a number. It is a science that when we think we have just figured it out then it doesn't make sense again. The only thing there is to do is keep going. Keep plugging along. Keep eating right and exercising. Most importantly keep reminding yourself why you are doing this and why you don't want to stop.

I wish I could edit this but I'm not good with photos. This is why I won't stop! That girl on the left....I don't know her anymore and I don't want to know her ever again!

Being on the wrong side of weight loss... this link will take you to her blog as well.

Being on the wrong side of weight loss

There’s a problem when your goal is to lose weight, but instead you keep packing on the weight. So how does this happen? It happens the same way that everything else falls apart—you get careless.
At first it’s subtle. A pound or two. And that’s easy to lose. The problem is, with each pound or two you gain you think, it’s just a pound or two, I can get that off in no time. I’ll just run a little harder. I’ll watch my calories a little stricter. I’ll drink more water. No worries.
And pretty soon, you’ve gained 10 lbs., 20 lbs., 30 lbs., or maybe you’ve gained all of your weight back. You know what’s happening all along yet too many lbs. down the road you wake up one day and think, where did all of this weight come from? How did this happen? How could I LET this happen?
But yet you still just see a pound or two creep up on the scale. The number gets closer and closer to your pre-weight loss weight. Somehow you keep thinking that you’re not going to be able to stop until you get to that weight again, maybe more. It’s horrifying, but you know it’s possible. It’s almost like subconsciously you want to be fat even though you hate everything about being fat.
You hate the way that you feel like a monster when you walk. Like your legs are tree trunks and your feet are cement bricks that shake the floor with each breathless step. You try to cover your rolls of flesh with dark colors and excess fabric. But it doesn’t make it go away. It’s still there, haunting you, yet tempting you to keep doing this to yourself.
Is it some kind of punishment that your subconscious is inflicting upon your poor excuse for a body? The little voice in your head telling you that you don’t deserve to be happy. That where you belong is in a corner with your head down in shame. It points an ugly crooked finger at you and tells you you’re not good enough. And you crumple to the ground in defeat and helplessness. And the voice cackles an evil laugh at your tears of misery.
And so, like death, the fat slowly takes over your body. It attaches itself to the clavicles you so happily discovered on the other side of weight gain. It smothers the shape that had started to show in your arms. It rounds your  face and drowns your cheekbones. Your eyes begin to sink along with your smile.
But there’s a flicker of life somewhere in your eyes. You don’t see it when you look in the mirror anymore, but once in a while you can feel the warmth of the flame that used to fuel your strength. Sometimes you think it’s gone when the ugly  face of obesity shadows over you. But in those moments when you stand up tall and proud and scream into its shameful face that you won’t back down, you start to see a little flicker of a flame.
And so you kick and you scream. You stand up and shove it to the ground. It raises its ugly finger at you again and you begin to doubt yourself. Am I destined to be fat? Will I ever be good enough? Is it possible for me to prove to myself, if not only TO myself, but FOR myself?
A part of you wants to hope that it’s possible to come out of this battle alive. But a part of you just wants to lay down and die, succumbing yourself to its terribleness because you don’t know any other way and you’re not sure you’d know how to live any other way.
It’s really up to you choose. You’ve found yourself on the wrong side of weight loss, and you have a choice. You can choose life, or you can choose to let obesity control and destroy every single moment of your life—until eventually it takes it from you.

So I ask you...have you found yourself saying it is just a pound or two, an then the next week its just one pound, ect? I admit it. I did. I did for a long time. Two years to be exact. I gained back 20 pounds and now have nearly lost all of that again. When I weigh in tomorrow I hope to be back at the lowest weight I have yet to achieve. But if I am not there, it is only my fault, no one else's. I make the choices to exercise or not, I make the choices on what to put in my mouth or not. I, I, I, ME, ME, ME. Its all me, just as it is all  you. A couple months ago I even found myself back in the same mental state that I was in the very beginning. Looking for  an easy way out. A pill, a shake, a supplement, meal replacements, a trainer to tell me what to do. WHY??? I know what to do. I am 136 pounds lighter than I used to be and it wasn't just luck that got me there, it wasn't just water weight, I ws doing something right. And all along when I was thinking I just can't do it, it just isn't working any more, the meal plans I have made and the food I chose just aren't cutting it any more...they were just excuses. Excuses to try and make myself feel better about not giving it 100%, honestly probably not even 50%.

So I challenge you to do the same thing I am doing. Set small goals and tell someone about them. This holds you accountable. And don't just tell anyone, tell someone you are afraid to let down. Way back in the very beginning of this journey I told my mother in law my goals. I would have been embarrassed to not follow through, so whenever I thought about not doing what I was supposed to I thought "What am I going to tell Chris when she asks how my work out was or how my weigh in went??" This usually made me do what I wasn't wanting to do.


My goals 4 pound weight loss tomorrow(206 pounds)
                 3 pound weight loss next Wednesday June 26
                 under 200 by July 3
                 Kick boxing 4 days per week
                 one run on the weekend
                 Clean food choices

YAY MUSCLE!

Boy have I been all over the place in the last week since I last posted. Not physically just mentally. When I am down, I am down and when I am up I am up! Last week was pretty rough for me. Lots of junk food. Lots of late night eating. Even a few drinks, which is not typical for me. I am usually just a social drinker and I do believe there was one night I had 7up and grape pucker for supper!!!! Opps :)

Two weeks ago on my Facebook page I started a weekly challenge. Week one was to drink water. Not pop, soda, crystal light or mio, just plain old water. This really worked for me! I have not had crystal light since Sunday June 2! This is magnificent since I usually drink anywhere from 5-15 packets per day! I always thought I was better off to have the low calorie drink and deal with the consequences of the artificial sweeteners. Deep down, not sure if I believed all the hype about artificial sweeteners. However; I do what to share this. It is said that artificial sweeteners increase cravings and still cause an insulin spike even though they are no/low calorie and not real sugar. What can I tell you has happened the last 10 days? I have not had severely intense cravings like I normally do. I actually feel like I am in control of my food! Wow is it really that easy? No it is not easy. This journey is never easy but some days are better than others and eliminating the drink mixes has helped make it less of a struggle! Why did I not try that a LONG time ago!!

When ever I am feeling in control I tend to revisit my goals and set some crazy new goal that I never reach because I lose the control after one or two days. But I did this again yesterday. I talked with someone I used to weigh in with once a week (sending a text of a picture of my feet on the scale) and I asked if I could start weighing again. I have not done this for a few months now. I got very frustrated seeing everyone else's success but not my own. Yes, I was jealous. But I am over that now and am moving on with myself. I gained back a few and am losing them again. I had been down to 205 but then right back up as high as 218. This is what I saw yesterday. My weigh in day is now Wednesday. I am not sure why but I think I will like that better than Mondays.


210.0 Very poor picture



And this is the chart I made. It has every Wednesday on it from now through August with a column for weight, # lost and next weeks goal.

 

I decided to start tracking it this way again because when I step on every morning, no I don't practice what I preach, and see a .5 loss or 1.0 gain it seems like I am going nowhere but to see a cumulative one week will help. I also set a goal for the next week. I cought myself looking months out and setting huge goals! I always do this too and it's not feasible let alone an awful mind game to play with yourself. So I have weekly goals to reach my next mile stone goal. I realized last week that my birthday is coming. I AM GOING TO BE 30 in only 2 months! My goal between now and then is 21 pounds. I want to see 189 by August 11. I think I have got this. So I will report back on next Wednesday to see where I am at.

On another note, why you should exercise. What you eat determines the number on the scale, how you exercise determines your body type.
All the women in this photo are 150 pounds. Which body would you rather have?? The one that exercises?

That's my choice, the far right!! That is an awesome goal and it takes time to get there, lots of time to build muscle. This does not happen over night and takes consistency day in and day out. So anyway where I was going with this is yesterday I was in my bosses office and she says, "have you lots more weight?" I said "Well, no, lol." She then replies with "I think you look like you have, I think you look better now then when you first lost all your weight."

This was not meant to be offensive, you just have to know my boss. Point being that I may still weigh the nearly the same as I did 6 months ago but I have worked out differently and I am building muscle. Muscle is smaller than fat and looks better, even though it weighs more!

Yay muscle!!!

I'll end with this!

 

 

You got this!

Happy Monday! I am glad to see it come! I always stay on track so much better during the week. I have big plans for June!

  Ok I started that last night on my phone but it was dumb and I couldn't type. So here's to finish the rest. I love Mondays. Most people hate Monday's but it means I am getting back to routine. I am feeling very confident the last two days. The weekend started off great! I ran the Dam to Dam 5k Saturday morning, taking 4:30 off my last 5k time. Success! But the best part was that my sister came along. She has been on the weight loss wagon for a while now also and this was her first race ever! Last week her running partner backed out and she almost did too. But I told her if she died I knew CPR and if she passed out I would carry her across the finish line. No matter what she would make it!! And she did!!! After I finished my running partner and I went back to find her and ran with her to the finish line. I promised she would make and I was going to make sure. I think the best thing I heard that day was "That was so much more fun than I thought it would be!"


Allie and I before the race.



The three of us after the race and no body died or had to be carried!!!

After the race I was wiped out. I did some things around the house and it really wasn't an eventful day. Sunday I was still tired. I was up at 6:30ish and was napping by 8:30. I never nap let alone early in the morning. It was a housekeeping day. I took another nap in the afternoon and when I woke up I was having to urge to bake. I NEVER BAKE!! Why?? Because I eat it all!!! So yes my Sunday ended with a belly that felt pregnant, I was miserable! But I woke up Monday with a new outlook. I am ready to beat the 200's. June is the month! I am still doing kickboxing every morning, might I add I had to flex in the mirror this morning and these guns are getting bigger!!! But I have decided to add a little more. I had been seeking out a trainer and hadn't had much luck. Either it was insane money or not enough contact to make it worth the time, ect. So I decided, I am a Personal Trainer, I know how to exercise. I wrote my own program. It mainly focus's on lower body and cardio. I have plenty of upper body at Fitboxing and the lower is where I feel I lack. Today is day one!!! I am actually supper excited to get out of bed in the morning and grunt and groan when I try to walk!!! Sick, I know, but I am excited! Now I am really praying this rain stays away long enough to get 4 miles in at the lake before I head to the gym. I haven't been excited to run for a long time! It felt like a chore! But now I see that I have until October to be ready for the half marathon and I have some time goals in my head that will not happen unless I get out there and start running! I bought a sticker for the car on Friday night and it says "13.1 Because I am only half crazy!" I can officially say today I am beginning training for my fourth half marathon!!! Wheww! In high school my peers would have laughed if they heard me say I would ever do one, let alone 4!!!

One of the sayings I have said over and over and over to myself and many others is "You've got this!" I actually am considering having it tattooed on my wrist so I can see it when I am feeling doubtfull.  This morning I saw this on Pfitblog and it couldn't have hit home at a better time.

 

YOU GOT THIS!! Don't let the rainy day hold you back! Get out there and enjoy it for what it is!!

HAPPY TUESDAY!